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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Jul 11, 2013 at 8:32 PM
    #2261
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

    He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

    He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

    By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

    The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

    "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

    He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
     
  2. Jul 11, 2013 at 8:53 PM
    #2262
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
    Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
    Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
    So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."
    Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"
    He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."
    Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
    "OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"
     
  3. Jul 12, 2013 at 6:41 PM
    #2263
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    There once was two people Lisa and Brian
    They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
    So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
    So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
    When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
    When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
    After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
    As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
    The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head"
     
  4. Jul 12, 2013 at 6:42 PM
    #2264
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
    Jack got high,
    pulled down his fly,
    and asked Jill if she wanna.
    Jill said yes,
    pulled up her dress,
    and had a little fun.
    But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
    and now they have a son
     
  5. Jul 12, 2013 at 6:44 PM
    #2265
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
    "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
     
  6. Jul 12, 2013 at 7:14 PM
    #2266
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
    The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
    The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.
    Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
     
  7. Jul 12, 2013 at 7:28 PM
    #2267
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    There are four kinds of sex :
    HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
    BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
    HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
    COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
     
  8. Jul 13, 2013 at 6:24 AM
    #2268
    23dec2007

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    A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”
     
  9. Jul 13, 2013 at 8:00 AM
    #2269
    sofiasdad11

    sofiasdad11 Reads more than posts

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  10. Jul 13, 2013 at 8:44 AM
    #2270
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    .
    .Here's the man to tell it the way it was meant to be!






    [​IMG]
    ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

    1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
    I don't remember what I chose.

    2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

    3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

    4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

    5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
    'stop', unless they are used together.

    6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

    7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

    8. Virginity can be cured.

    9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

    10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

    11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

    12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

    13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
    Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

    14. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

    15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

    Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!
     
  11. Jul 13, 2013 at 1:48 PM
    #2271
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    In a hurry to get somewhere the lady was doing 75 in a 55mph zone. A State Patrol stopped her. He walked up to her car and asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Because you wanted to sell me tickets to the State Patrolmen's Ball?” she replied. "State Patrolmen don't have balls", he said...then realizing what he had just said...he let her go!
     
  12. Jul 13, 2013 at 5:20 PM
    #2272
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Facebooked this ....love it.
     
  13. Jul 13, 2013 at 5:38 PM
    #2273
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
     
  14. Jul 13, 2013 at 5:45 PM
    #2274
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend`s birthday.

    As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.

    Accompanied by the girlfriend`s younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

    During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.

    The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:

    I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

    These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had Her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

    I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

    When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

    Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

    All my love.

    P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
     
  15. Jul 13, 2013 at 6:08 PM
    #2275
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"
    Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"
    Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."
    Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"
    Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"
    Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"
    Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"
     
  16. Jul 14, 2013 at 6:09 AM
    #2276
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    Little Maury went to confession, at the beginning of Lent. "Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl's private parts." "Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa, that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water." So Little Maury knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, "Move over, pal. I’ve got to gargle.

    Source - Read More: http://investorshangout.com/post/82...o-confession-at-the-beginning-o#ixzz2Z1c8vKNn
     
  17. Jul 14, 2013 at 6:10 AM
    #2277
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titanic. On that fateful night the ship hit an iceberg and began to sink.
    Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
    Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats."
    Carter said, "Women first."
    Nixon said, "Screw the women."
    Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"


    .
     
  18. Jul 14, 2013 at 6:12 AM
    #2278
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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  19. Jul 14, 2013 at 7:39 PM
    #2279
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.
    So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.
    She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said
    "One box of large condoms to register 5."
    The next man in line thought this was interesting and,like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said,
    "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5."
    A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over he counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,
    "Clean up at register 5!"
     
  20. Jul 14, 2013 at 9:02 PM
    #2280
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
    So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
    The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
    So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
    He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
     
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