Joke of the Day

A cowboy tells another, “that bull nearly killed me, partner, charged at me like a locomotive!”
“How’d you get away?” asks the other cowboy.
“He slipped, and I jumped the fence.”
“Man, I would’ve crapped all over the place.”
“I did! What do you think that bull slipped in?”

 

Awesome

 

Okay, both of us (wife & myself) were laughing hard over this one. What each said even fits their character - Ford/confused, Reagan/military, Carter/gentleman, and so on.

 

A man sits next to a woman at a bar and says, “I’d tell you a joke about my penis…” He pauses, then adds, “but it’s too long!”
The woman replies, “I’d tell you a joke about by vagina, but you’ll never get it!”

 

A boy is sitting on a park bench when he sees a man with a strangely tiny head walking his way. The boy asks, "Sir, why do you have such a little head?"
The man answers with a story, "One day when I was younger, I was fishing at the end of the dock and I got a huge bite. To my surprise, when I pulled in my catch it was a beautiful mermaid, and she told me she would give me anything I asked for it I let her go free..."

 

A poor dizzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

Pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.
...
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"

She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat."

(pause)

"O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
"Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"

 

HAHAHAHA funny as SHIT!!!!

 

What do you call a smart blonde?A: A golden retriever.

 

An old man goes to a Social Security office to apply for benefits but forgets his ID. The social worker says, "Just unbutton your shirt."
The old man complies, and the social worker says, "The gray chest hairs are all the proof I need," and gives him his check.
The man tells his wife, who responds, "If you'd dropped your pants, you'd have gotten disability, too!"

 

A Sunday School Teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" "No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Agan the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
...
A five-year-old shouted out....."YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

 

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

 

Funny...

 

today

 

ok

 

A young Southern belle walks into a bar after having a very bad day. The bartender asks her what she would like to drink, to which she replies, “What kind of beer do you suggest?”

“Anheuser-Busch?” the bartender says.

The Southern belle then retorts, “Fine thank you. And how’s your dick?”

 

TGIF....

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool.

He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?”

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.”

He says, “No kidding! What law firm are you with?”

 

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.

Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”

“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

 

“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

“Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doctor says. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.” The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

 

Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven, where they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With that, poof, she’s gone.

The second nun says, “I want to be Madonna” and poof, she’s gone.

The third nun says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No, Sister, this says, ‘Sahara Pipeline’ laid by 1,900 men in six months.”