Joke of the Day

ok......

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mom, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

This guy sticks his head into a crowded barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop at all the customers and says, "About two hours," and the guy leaves.
Every day, the same guy pokes his head in at the busiest time, and every day he’s told there’s a long wait and he leaves. Finally, after about two weeks of this, the barber looks over at a buddy and says, "Bill, why don’t you follow that guy and see where he goes?"
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
"Well?" says the barber. "So where does he go?"
"To your house."

 

A son, his father, and his grandfather are ready to start a round of golf. The starter walks up and asks if he could pair the men up with a fourth. Though they are hesitant, the men accept. Soon, a beautiful blonde woman walks to the tee and they all start the round.

The woman is playing perfectly and is even par on the last hole. Eyeing her 15-foot putt for birdie, she asks the men for some advice. "I have never shot under par," she says, "and whoever gives me the best advice so that I can make this putt will get a blow job."

The son hops up and says, "You should aim three inches left and hit it pretty hard."

His dad interrupts: "No, no. Hit it four inches to the left and softly."

The grandfather walks up, stares at the ball for awhile and says, "Pick it up; it's a gimmie."

 

A nun wearing a full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her in the face. Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut. She goes down, and the drunk starts kicking her in the sides. A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him off the bloody nun, he yells, “You’re not so tough, are you, Batman!”

 

Joe is walking down the street when he sees Neil Armstrong coming toward him.

Joe says, "Hey, you're Neil Armstrong, aren't you?"

Neil says, "Yes, I am."

"Man, you're my biggest hero," Joe says, "and that speech you gave about one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind was just awe-inspiring."

"You have to understand something about that speech," Neil says. "Back then, communications weren't that good and that's not what I said."

"Well, what did you say?" Joe asks.

"I said, 'That's one small step for man and one giant leap for Dan Rind.'"

Joe is confused and asks, "Who the hell is Dan Rind?"

"Well, he's my next-door neighbor," Neil says.

"What the hell has he got to do with anything?" Joe asks.

"You see," Neil says, "about three months before the launch, I was walking past Dan's open bedroom window when I heard his wife exclaim, 'They'll put a man on the moon before you stick that in my mouth.'"

 

This college professor has a really foul mouth. The guys love it, but after a few weeks some of the female students start to get offended and decide to stage a walkout the next day.

The following morning before class, the professor is tipped off about the protest. So he waits until all the students are settled in their seats and then says, “So, the USS Indianapolis is coming into port after months at sea. Bet those boys’ll fuck anything that moves.”

At that moment a bunch of coeds get up and head for the door.

“Ladies,” the professor continues, “they’re not docking until tomorrow.”

 

Hola...

 

Little Johnny and Suzie play on the swing set every day after school. One day, little Johnny goes home after school and asks his father, "What’s this thing between my legs, daddy?" His father replies, "That's your truck, son. You want to park that in a girl's garage"

The very same day, Suzie goes home and asks her mother, "Mommy, what's this between my legs?" Her mother smiles and replies, "That is your garage, honey. You NEVER want to let a boy park his truck in there."

Both of the kids go to school the next day, and like always, they play on the swing set afterwards. Suzie goes home after a while, and her mother is shocked to see blood all over Suzie's face and clothes.

"Suzie, What happened??" She cried. "Oh nothing, mom. Little Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage, so I bit off his back two tires!!"

 

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing.”

 

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth, so she shaves, cleans up, and goes to the doctor for the procedure. She wakes up to find three roses on her bed, so she asks the nurse who sent the roses.

The nurse says, “The doctor was really happy to have such a clean work area, so to show his appreciation, he sent you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he cannot wait to dig into that nice tight love patch.”

“What about the third rose?” asks the patient.

“Oh, that’s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears.”

 

this is a great thread. Props to your sir for almost single handedly keeping this alive and entertaining!!!

 

no problem

 

A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.

As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, “Hey father, how ’bout a blowjob, 25 bucks?”

The priest says, “What’s a blowjob?” at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the center of town, another hooker asks the same thing, with the same result.

At the other edge of town, still another hooker asks him the same question, to which the priest again replies, “What’s a blowjob?” And, again, she laughs and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

“Of course,” she says.

“What’s a blowjob?” the priest asks.

“Twenty-five bucks,” says the nun, “same as in town.”

 

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter.”

After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.

“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God cries. “I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares says a word.

God then turns to the man standing alone and says, “Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?”

“I don’t know,” the guy replies. “My wife told me to stand here.”

 

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”
“Ain’t heard of that one, ” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”
“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ ”

 

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."
"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.
"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.
"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."

 

A cop pulls over a ditzy looking blonde driving a convertible and asks to see her license.

“What’s that?” she asks.

He explains that it’s the card proving she knows how to drive.

“Oh, I have one of those,” she says.

After checking her information in the squad car, the cop says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“What’s a ticket?” she asks.

The cop thinks about it, looks both ways, and pulls out his dick.

The girl slumps in her seat and says, “Oh, no. Not another Breathalyzer.”

 

uh.....