Joke of the Day

then

 

kinda .....

 

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school. The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

 

A Perfect Breakfast:

You’re sitting at the table and you’re on the cover of Forbes.

Your son is on the box of Wheaties.

Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.

Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

 

A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she's so down to which she replies, “My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.”
“What a coincidence!” he said, “My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.”
So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have their kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.
Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headed towards the door.
“What's going on?” she asks. “I thought you wanted to get kinky?”
The man turns to her and says, “Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.”

 

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

 

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

“Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?”

“My life’s been nothing but crap,” says the girl. “So I might as well.”

After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?”

The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.”

 

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

 

To celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary, a couple checks into a fancy hotel and has crazy monkey sex all night. Upon waking up, they order breakfast, and after it’s delivered the husband says, “Do you remember what we did on our honeymoon?”

She nods and says, “Let’s do it again.”

So they strip and sit down to eat.

“Darling,” she says, “you’re as sexy now as you were 75 years ago.”

“Oh, yeah,” he says.

“In fact,” she continues, “my nipples are burning just like back then.”

The husband grimaces and says, “That’s because this time they’re hanging in the oatmeal.”

 

YEA!! good ones

 

A girl is at a party with her boyfriend. When her boyfriend runs off to get some drinks a girl comes up to her and asks, "Is that your boyfriend?"

"Yes," the girl answers.

The second girl arrogantly says, "You know, he used to be my boyfriend."

The girl replies, "Well, he told me he did a lot of stupid things in the past, but I never thought I would meet one."

 

A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

Three little ducks went into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," the duck replied.

"How's your day been, Huey?" asked the bartender.

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck and said, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," the second duck said.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

 

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One digs a hole and the other follows behind her and fills the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other. They worked furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

 

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”
“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”
“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

 

Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?"
Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.
Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.
The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?"
The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."

 

A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.

“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”

“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she yells.

“See? You sound just like her.”

 

A kindergarten teacher asks her class, “What vegetable makes eyes water?”

One boy raises his hand and says, “An eggplant.”

“No,” says the teacher. “An onion.”

“An onion?” asks the boy. “Ever been hit in the balls with an eggplant?”

 

When a beautiful blonde and the Queen die on the same day and head to the pearly gates, they discover there's only room for one of them to get into heaven. St. Peter turns to the blonde and asks her why she should be admitted.

The blonde takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God has ever created."

St. Peter thanks the blonde, then asks the Queen the same question.

The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

The blonde is outraged. "I showed you two of God's most perfect creations and the old lady douches and gets in?!"

"Sorry," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

 

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”

With that, she strips from her neck down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Mama needs new clothes!”

Then she hollers, “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!” while jumping up and down and hugging each dealer. She then picks up all of the money and her clothes and quickly departs.

Dumbfounded, the dealers just stare at each other. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?”

The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching!”