Joke of the Day

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and
reserve a tray, because you are dead.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on
with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: · I do physical labor. · I work at great depths. · I plunge headfirst into everything I do. · I do not get weekends or public holidays off. · I work in a damp environment.· I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. · I work in high temperatures. · My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss


The Response Dear P Niss: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you haveraised, the administration rejects your request for the followingreasons: · You do not work 8 hours straight. · You fall asleep after brief work periods. · You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. · You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
start working. · You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. · You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. · You will retire well before you are 65. · You are unable to work double shifts. ·
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

 

Sometime I wonder?....



"Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"



....and then it hits me.

 

Why I fired my secretary


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jeanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jeanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jeanne, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jeanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jeanne turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

 

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'





He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.





'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter', she says. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.





She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.





The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'





He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

​

 

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and
bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on,baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed
... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
... and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know ... I thought you were
watching."

Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men ... are men.

 

It turns out that after the Cowboys dissapointing loss to the Eagles in the season finale, quarterback Tony Romo tried to commit suicide.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.but the bullet got intercepted too.

 

Subject: The Pope and bear hunting

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for
some sightseeing. He was cruising along a campground in the Popemobile

when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A
helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat,
and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling
frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the
bear's grasp Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the
bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the
other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there
was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding out, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

 

Q: What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts
neatly in a hole and works best when jerked?
















Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!

A: A seat belt.

 

What's red and smells like blue paint?























Red paint!

 

What's black and white and red and can't go through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

(kid brought that one home for me)

 

Whats long hard and full of seamen?





A Submarine!!

 

This ones old, but still makes me laugh every time I read it.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

Ø 40-ish..................................49.
Ø Adventurous.........................Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic...............................No breasts.
Ø Average looking.....................Moooo.
Ø Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Ø Feminist..............................Fat.
Ø Free Spirit............................Junkie.
Ø Friendship first......................Former Slut.
Ø New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Ø Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional...........................Bitch.
Ø Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Ø Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate....................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes.....................................No
Ø No......................................Yes
Ø Maybe................................No
Ø We need...............................I want
Ø I am sorry...........................You'll be sorry
Ø We need to talk....................You're in trouble
Ø Sure, go ahead.....................You better not
Ø Do what you want..............You will pay for this later
Ø I am not upset.....................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
Ø You're attentive tonight.........Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry...............................I am hungry
Ø I am sleepy...............................I am sleepy
Ø I am tired.................................I am tired
Ø Nice dress.................................Nice cleavage!
Ø I love you..................................Let's have sex now
Ø I am bored................................Do you want to have sex?
Ø May I have this dance?...............I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Do you want to go to a movie?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Can I take you out to dinner?.........I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø I don't think those shoes go with that outfit.............I'm gay.

 

Years ago when I sometimes used unsavory language, I often used the expression "Bull Sh**."

As I grew up a bit and discovered it was not necessary to use such crude language, that expression became "BS."

Q. What did I really mean when I used those expressions?

A. I meant that something was ridiculous or idiotic or a half truth or just stupid. It covered any number or negative formats. The dictionary defines it as: nonsense; especially foolish, insolent talk.

I have decided that I no longer will use either of those expressions in the future. When I have the need to express those feelings, I will use the word "Pelosi." Let me use it in a sentence. "That is just a bunch of Pelosi."

I encourage you to do the same. It is such a good word. It really packs a lot of punch. We are no longer being vulgar. But it clearly expresses our feelings. If enough of us use it, possibly we can get the word in the dictionary.

And that would be an excellent legacy for the Speaker of the House.

 

PEEING EMERGENCY

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten Over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery.

Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take
off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to
a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe
with it.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that
his normally Sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing", said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."**

 

The North has Bloomingdales, The South has Dollar General

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: --If you run your car
into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck
with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just
stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"
is plural possessive

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to
use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or
big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect
this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just
have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn
is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had
kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

 

^^^

and??????

 

Stages

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58,68,
and 78?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

At 78 - What story???? What bed??? Who are you???

 

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

No S*** says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."