Joke of the Day

man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket.

“I’ve lost my girlfriend,” he tells her. “Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?”

“Sure, but I don’t understand how that would help,” she replies.

“Well, every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere.”

 

A woman is learning how to golf. She decides to take a lesson from a golf pro. They head out to the driving range and she hits her first ball. The ball goes about 50 yards, slicing to the right.

The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club.' When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing."

She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight, for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem—How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

 

As Joe walked out of a brothel, he was overcome by a sudden pang of hunger and decided to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant across the street. He sat down and ordered chicken noodle soup. After a few bites, he found a pubic hair in his soup and told the waitress he wanted a refund. The waitress remonstrated, “Knowing where you just came from, you’re complaining of a hair in your soup?”

Joe replied, “Lady, if I had found a noodle in the ‘meal’ I ordered from the brothel, I wouldn’t have paid there either!”

 

A man is driving home drunk. He gets pulled over by a female cop and she notices that he's drunk so she arrests him. She starts to read him his rights: "Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law." The man screams out, "TITS!"

 

“My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asks Sean as he hobbles in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley,” he replies.

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the bartender says. “He must have had a weapon in his hand.”

“That he did. A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Aye, that I did—Mrs. Riley’s left tit,” Sean laments. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.”

 

David Copperfield is doing his Vegas show and asks if anyone in the audience would like to show him a trick.

“I will,” yells a guy, “but I need your gorgeous assistant and a table.”

David agrees, and the guy walks up onstage, bends the hottie over the table, pulls her pants down, and starts humping her from behind.

Copperfield screams, “Hey, that isn’t a trick!”

The guys says, “I know. It’s fucking magic!”

 

While out walking one day, a young boy met a redneck riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation.

"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" asked the boy.

"Stupid kid," said the redneck. "Dogs don't talk."

The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the dog anyway. "Hey dog, how's it going?"

"Doin' all right," replied the dog to the redneck's amazement.

"Is this guy your owner?" asked the boy.

"Yep," replied the dog.

"How does he treat you?" asked the boy.

"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

With that, the boy asked if he could talk to the redneck's horse.

"Stupid kid, horses don't talk," replied the redneck.

The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the horse, anyway. "Hey horse, how's it going?"

"Cool," replied the horse.

"Is this your owner?" asked the boy pointing to the redneck.

"Yep."

"How's he treat you?" asked the boy.

"Pretty good, thanks for asking," replied the horse. "He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

The redneck was totally amazed at his talking horse.

"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" asked the boy.

"The sheep's a liar," answered the redneck.

 

THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING….[FONT=&quot]

THE DAY IT ALL STARTED WAS MARCH 6, 1836 [/FONT][FONT=&quot]….[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo, and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we, by any chance, having landscaping done today?"[/FONT]



​

 

Little Johnny returned home from school, informing his father that he received an F in arithmetic and a stern spanking.
“What happened?” asked the father.
“Well,” little Johnny said, “the teacher asked ‘How much is two times three?’ and I said ‘six.’”
“But that’s right!” said the father.
“Then,” said little Johnny, “she asked me, ‘How much is three times two?’”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asked the father.
“That’s what I said!”

 

A man and his camel were lost in the desert for months. The man got really horny and decided, what the hell, a camel is better than nothing.

He put the camel in position, climbed behind the camel, and just as he was about to enter the camel, it ran off. He chased the camel down and tried again, but it ran away again.

He tried this five more times before he came across a beautiful woman lying in the desert. She was dehydrated and close to death. He took the woman to a oasis and revived her.

The grateful woman wakes up and says to the man, "Thank you for saving my life. I will do anything for you."

The man smiles and replies, "Anything? Really?"

"Yes," the woman says, "Anything."

"Well," the man says. "Will you hold my camel for me so he stops running away?"

 

This guy's father dies, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father.

The man gets really sick the day of the funeral, however, and is unable to attend.

The next day, he gets a bill for $16,000. He pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.

Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for $85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already."

The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux."

 

An old man and a lady walked into a fast food joint and ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries, and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat a few bites of his hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine—they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over and once again offered to buy more food. After once again having his offer refused, he finally asked the little old lady, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She anwsered, "The teeth."

 

Farmer Joe is suing a trucking company over injuries he suffered in an auto accident. The company’s lawyer begins to cross-examine the plaintiff.

“Isn’t it true you said, ‘I’m fine,’ at the scene of the accident?” asks the lawyer.

“Well, I’ll tell you what happened,” Farmer Joe starts.

“Did you or did you not say, ‘I’m fine!’” thunders the lawyer.

“Let me explain,” pleads the farmer. “I had just loaded my mule Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this semi-truck crashed into us. I was hurt real bad. When the highway patrolman came on the scene, he heard Bessie moaning and groaning. He took one look at her, pulled out his gun, and shot her between the eyes.

Then he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me, and said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you?”

 

A piano player applies for a job in a club. The manager asks the pianist to give a sample of his music. The pianist sits behind the bar's piano and starts playing.

After the song, the impressed manager says, "That was great. What do you call that song?"

The pianist says, "That song is called 'The dirty slut I banged in Tijuana while I was drunk and fucked up off coke.'"

Stunned, the manager asks for a different sample piece. Once again, the pianist plays a brilliant song.

"And what is that song called?" asks the manager.

"That one is called 'The way grandma's tits shake while granddad fucks her doggy style.'"

The manager gives the pianist a look and says, "You're a great entertainer, but if you take this job, you can't ever tell the customers your song titles." The pianist agrees and takes the job.

On his first night, he really moves the crowd. People are dancing, snapping their fingers, and everyone in the lounge that night is feeling the vibe. After the first set, the pianist takes a break and uses the washroom.

While returning to the piano, a patron says to him, "Hey, do you know your fly's open and your dick is hanging out?"

The pianist laughs and says, "Of course I do. I'm the one who wrote that song."

 

A man is walking through the mall with his teenage son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help.

Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them.

The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee.

The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?”

“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

 

A first-grade class comes in from recess, and the teacher asks a little girl what she did outside.

“I played in the sandbox,” she says.

“That’s good,” replies the teacher. “Go to the blackboard, and if you can write sand correctly, I’ll give you a cookie.”

The girl gets her treat, and the teacher asks a boy wearing a turban what he did during recess.

“I tried to play in the sandbox, but everyone threw rocks at me,” he says.

“That’s blatant racial discrimination!” says the teacher. “And if you can write blatant racial discrimination on the board, you’ll get a cookie.”

 

A man goes to a psychologist and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful. Every evening, she goes to Manny’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her, and she’ll do whatever they want. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Manny’s bar?”

 

Worried about their less-than-exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist, who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to the wife's joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: “She’s not my wife…She’s not my wife…She’s not my wife…”

 

After a long battle with a terminal illness, Emily Sue passes away, and her husband, Bubba, calls 911. The operator tells Bubba that she will send over an ambulance right away.

“Where do you live?” asks the operator.

“At the end of Eucalyptus Drive,” replies Bubba.

“Can you spell that for me?”

There is a long pause and finally Bubba says, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?”

 

One day a man lying out on the beach gets so badly sunburned that he has to go to the hospital.

“Doc, you gotta help me,” says the man. “It hurts like hell when anything touches my body.”

“OK,” says the doctor. “I’m going to give you some skin cream and a prescription for Viagra.”

“Viagra…what for?” asks the man.

“It’ll keep the sheets off your legs.”