Joke of the Day

My dick is so big; it has tonsils.
My dick is so big; it has bark.
My dick is so big; it can only be measured in theory.
My dick is so big; it has a horizon.
My dick is so big; I can fuck the ocean.
My dick is so big; sometimes it jerks me off.
My dick is so big; that when I fly, it has to take the train.
My dick is so big; FedEx won’t insure it.
My dick is so big; it was impeached by Congress.
My dick is so big; it’s got its own gang sign.
My dick is so big; it could eat a horse.
My dick is so big; Florida had to measure it twice.
My dick is so big; it snubbed the Oscars.
My dick is so big; it has a north pole.
My dick is so big; it has gaskets.
My dick is so big; it killed its ex-wife and got away with it scott free.
My dick is so big; I rent it out for weddings and Bar-Mitzfahs.
My dick is so big; I run three-legged races by myself.
My dick is so big; my urologist is a Sherpa.
My dick is so big; it’s not just famous, it’s IN famous.
My dick is so big; it has a stunt double.
My dick is so big; you must be at least 48 inches to ride.
My dick is so big; that I look like its dick in front of it.
My dick is so big; one side never sees the sun – it’s the dark side of my dick.
My dick is so big; it has a vanity plate that reads 1 BG DK.
My dick is so big; it has nostrils
My dick is so big; I can fuck a car wash.
My dick is so big; it has a nucleus.
My dick is so big; it has a drink named after it. It’s called Slow Gin Dick.
My dick is so big; that there’s not enough earth to bury me with it.
My dick is so big; “Oh Yeah” is its theme song.
My dick is so big; it was framed for murder as part of an intricate prescription drug scandal.
My dick is so big; the Pope has blessed it.
My dick is so big; compasses do not function properly around it.
My dick is so big; VH1 is letting it host an episode of “The List”.
My dick is so big; Al Gore invented it.
My dick is so big; premature ejaculation takes ninety minutes.
My dick is so big; I’m listed as an organ donor twice on my driver’s license.
My dick is so big; black holes fall into it.
My dick is so big; it was on a Wheaties box.
My dick is a VIP, Very Important Penis.
My dick is so big; the Romans named their God, Simplyvs Hvges Giganticvs Erectia Dickvs, after it.
My dick is so big; it has a commemorative stamp.
My dick is so big; it has its own entourage.
My dick has a sunrise and sunset.
My dick is so big; sperm banks pay interest.
My dick is so big; it puts out 300kW – Standard!
My dick is so big; I have to sell it wholesale.
My dick is so big; it has stretch marks.
My dick is so big; it’s wanted in nine states, and Canada.
My dick is so big; they cold run the Indy 500 on it, with no turns.
My dick is so big; it’s getting its own State Quarter.
My dick is so big; it sleeps with one eye open.
My dick is so big; it has training wheels.
My dick is so big; someone once used it as a lifeline on, ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire?”
My dick is so big; my erections cause a total eclipse.
My dick is so big; black people say “He’s got a big ass dick.”
My dick is so big; I use it to spear fish.
My dick is so big; VH1 did a “Behind the Music” about it.
My dick is so big; I lost my legs in Vietnam and can still drive a manual.
My dick is so big; they ride it in rodeos.
My dick is so big; the LAPD used it to beat Rodney King.
My dick is so big; when I get aroused, the Earth develops an elliptical orbit.
My dick is so big; it’s in a boy band with four other big dicks.
My dick is so big; it’s a government scapegoat.
My dick is so big; it has its own seat in Congress.
My dick is so big; it’s worshipped as a Pagan God.
My dick is so big; I can change channels without the remote.
My dick is so big; I can smuggle 14 kilos of crack, 9 stolen cars, and 5 illegal immigrants across the border in it.
My dick is so big; it has its own zip code.
My dick is so big; it sank the Titanic.
My dick is so big; it’s the opening act for KISS’s farewell tour.
My dick is so big; the great wall of China is just a guide rail for me to tour the country.
My dick is so big; Saddam was found hiding in it.
My dick is so big; it makes the Grand Canyon scream “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
My dick is so big; the government is suing it for anti-trust violations.
My dick is so big; if I were a porn star, I could only make movies in Widescreen.
My dick is so big; it has its own fraternity, Delta Theta Cock.
My dick is so big; it has an ego.
My dick is so big; it has its own line of hip hop clothing.
My dick is so big; I have to stand in the hall when I take a piss.
My dick is so big; it won the Nobel Peace Prize.
My dick is so big; Scott Adams writes a cartoon about it. It’s called “Dickbert”.
My dick is so big; it played Daddy Warbucks on Broadway.
My dick is so big; it gives me an allowance.
My dick is so big; it IS the government.
My dick is so big; it is a tax write-off.
My dick is so big; when in Leno’s mouth you can’t see his chin.
My dick is so big; it was a bouncer at Studio 54.
My dick is so big; it’s sectional.
My dick is so big; the man always be tryin’ to keep it down.
My dick is so big; it hangs out on the set of “Friends”.
My dick is so big; I can play mailbox baseball while driving.
My dick is so big; Alan Greenspan uses it to raise interest rates.
My dick is so big; I decorate it at Christmas time.
My dick is so big; if I didn’t sleep on my side, planes would crash into it at night.
My dick is so big; the doctor had to use a chainsaw to circumcise me.
My dick is so big; they use Sequoias to test my condoms.
My dick is so big; Calvin Klein named a fragrance after it. It’s called CK My Dick.
My dick is so big; I have to use a complex irrigation system just to take a piss.
My dick is so big; it used to be a Harlem Globetrotter.
My dick is so big; it stormed the beach at Normandy.
My dick is so big; it affects the weather.
My dick is so big; it’s my boss.
My dick is so big; it gets manicures.
My dick is so big; it has an axle.
My dick is so big; it has a brain.
My dick is so big; it has a reinforced foundation.
My dick is so big; many consider it the Eighth Wonder of the World.
My dick is so big; it is the internet.
My dick is so big; it is Santa Claus.
My dick is so big; it has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
My dick is so big; it can stand up.
My dick is so big; I can fuck a volcano.
My dick is so big; I have to stow it in the overhead bin on planes.
My dick is so big; it has it’s own time zone – Central Dick Time.
My dick is so big; it was recently split into two area codes.
My dick is so big; it was part of the human evolution.
My dick is so big; it could feed Ethiopia for a month.
My dick is so big; it has a moon.
My dick is so big; it has branches.
My dick is so big; movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick.
My dick is so big; it graduated a year before I did.
My dick is so big; a homeless family lives underneath it.
My dick is so big; there was once a movie called Godzilla VS. My Dick.
My dick is so big; we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
My dick is so big; I was once in Ohio and got a blowjob in Tennessee.
My dick is so big; Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
My dick is so big; I entered a big-dick contest and it came in first, second and third.
My dick is so big; the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
My dick is so big; I’m already fucking a girl tomorrow.

 

Murphy's Law in Sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

 

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
...
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial]"The good wife's guide" This is an actual article from the Housekeeping Monthly Magazine 13 May 1955[/FONT]
Ø Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Ø Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Ø Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Ø Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Ø Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.
Ø Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Ø Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Ø Be happy to see him.
Ø Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Ø Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Ø Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Ø Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself.
Ø Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Ø Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Ø Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Ø Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Ø Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Ø A good wife always knows her place.

 

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over
30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Ladies, I apologize.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Andy Rooney[/FONT]

 

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to
press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
... The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything
to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he
left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and
16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, 'How about some new underpants?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since
I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of
your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 

what?

 

ok...

 

whoa...

 

Top right corner of your signature picture.

 

Haha nice find

 

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
...
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

that is ....

 

wow....

 

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

 

Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"

 

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"