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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Jul 29, 2013 at 7:03 PM
    #2441
    Pugga

    Pugga Pasti-Dip Free 1983 - 2015... It was a good run

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    Mike
    Massachusetts
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    '19 Ford F-250 6.7 SCrew
    F-250 Land Yacht Mod
    I think this is the first time I ever remember you actually having your truck as a sig and not some eye candy! :laugh:
     
  2. Jul 29, 2013 at 7:03 PM
    #2442
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
     
  3. Jul 30, 2013 at 12:43 PM
    #2443
    Yota Toy

    Yota Toy Taco Sauce

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    FX retros, Blazer fog-light retro, JVC KW-NT30HD head unit, Pioneer 6X9's in front doors, Pioneer 6.5's in rear doors, two Pioneer 12" subs in sealed boxes, Sony X-Plod amp, Hidden Hitch trailer hitch, EGR window visors, two PIAA low-tone horns, Westin light bar with two 100-watt KC low profile driving lights.
    TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is ma's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD: 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
     
  4. Jul 30, 2013 at 6:42 PM
    #2444
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Vehicle:
    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
    invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

    ... He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.. He held
    the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

    Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the BBQ and flirting.

    At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
    crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

    The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
    everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
    jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
    kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
    and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

    The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc
    were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let
    it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

    Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
    Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

    The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

    'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

    The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
    How about half a million bucks then?'

    'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

    The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
    amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

    Again, Colin said "No."

    Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

    Colin said,

    'I want the bastard who pushed me in.
     
  5. Jul 30, 2013 at 8:16 PM
    #2445
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2012
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    Messages:
    2,654
    Gender:
    Male
    99506
    Vehicle:
    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A lady goes on holiday to Barbados ......

    Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of
    passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

    ... "I can't tell you" the black man says.

    Every night they meet and every night she asks him again
    what his name is and he always responds the same, he
    can't tell her.

    On her last night there she asks again,

    "Can you please tell me you name?"

    "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me."
    says the black man.

    "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

    "Okay. My name is Snow!" the black man replies.

    And the lady bursts into laughter;

    the black man gets mad and says,

    "I knew you would make fun of it".

    The lady replied,

    "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my
    husband back home who won't believe me when I tell
    him I had 8 inches of Snow everyday in Barbados !"
     
  6. Jul 30, 2013 at 8:19 PM
    #2446
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2012
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    Messages:
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    Gender:
    Male
    99506
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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
     
  7. Jul 30, 2013 at 11:27 PM
    #2447
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
     
  8. Aug 2, 2013 at 10:16 PM
    #2448
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    2,654
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    99506
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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"
     
  9. Aug 2, 2013 at 10:17 PM
    #2449
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
     
  10. Aug 2, 2013 at 10:17 PM
    #2450
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
     
  11. Aug 2, 2013 at 10:25 PM
    #2451
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    99506
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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, "Is this someone you knew?" The first guy says, "Yes, it was my wife." The second guy says, "It must be hard to lose a wife." The first guys replies, "Yep, damn near impossible."
     
  12. Aug 3, 2013 at 1:54 AM
    #2452
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
  13. Aug 3, 2013 at 1:56 AM
    #2453
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    99506
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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    just....

    544502_555357951190948_1463740928_n.jpg
    1003507_698538066838370_967787041_n.jpg
     
  14. Aug 3, 2013 at 2:13 AM
    #2454
    Juan Solo

    Juan Solo Well-Known Member

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    After an 18 hour shift, a tired nurse goes to the bank to deposit her check. When she reaches into her purse to grab a pen, she mistakenly pulls out a rectal thermometer and says "dammit, some asshole has my pen."
     
  15. Aug 3, 2013 at 2:14 AM
    #2455
    Juan Solo

    Juan Solo Well-Known Member

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    What is brown and sticky?









    A stick!
     
  16. Aug 3, 2013 at 2:14 AM
    #2456
    Justus

    Justus fucks not given

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    Nabisco the kid
    In ur toolbox
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    not so low, not so slow 2006 6 lug
    stockish
    "I bought a Jeep"
     
  17. Aug 3, 2013 at 2:16 AM
    #2457
    BrokenTusk

    BrokenTusk I support a velociraptor free workplace.

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    Marcelasaurus
    AB, Canada
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    Check Build Thread!!
    *Snicker*
     
  18. Aug 3, 2013 at 2:28 AM
    #2458
    benbacher

    benbacher Purveyor of Fun Vendor

    Joined:
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    ^
    Anchorage, AK
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    Too many to list now.
    Ohhhhhh Chris....
     
  19. Aug 3, 2013 at 2:30 PM
    #2459
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    East Tn
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    2" lift AAL and Bilstiens-front-rear,front diff drop. main drive drop
    A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

    'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

    The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

    'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

    The old man slowly looked at him and said,

    'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
     
  20. Aug 3, 2013 at 8:47 PM
    #2460
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    #92058
    Messages:
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    Male
    99506
    Vehicle:
    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer. About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"
     

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