Joke of the Day

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

 

My lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for Christmas...

I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

 

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of ELVIS on the inside of my right thigh."

The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?"

She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!"

Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!"

 

really

 

A duck hunter is out trying to kill a duck, so he can take it home and feed his family. After several hours, with no luck, the hunter gets back in his jeep and heads home. On the way, he spots a flock of ducks flying over a farmhouse. He gets out of his truck and shoots the biggest one which lands in the farmers yard. The hunter leaps over the fence to pick up his duck. He's twenty feet away from the duck when he hears the farmer yell "hey, that's my duck."

"No, no," says the hunter, "I just shot it."

"No matter," says the farmer, "it landed on my farm."

They argue for a while then the farmer suggests that they settle their dispute the country way. "How's that," asks the hunter. The farmer says that they have to take it in turns to jerk each other off and whoever cums in the shortest time loses.

The hunter begins, ten minutes later, the farmer cums. "OK," says the hunter, "now it's your turn."

"Never mind," says the farmer, "you can keep the duck."

 

Three blond men are out fishing one afternoon talking about this and that when one of the men says, "You know, my wife did the strangest thing the other day. She came home with 100 lbs of meat. I only say this is strange because we're vegetarians and don't eat meat."

One of the other men says, "You think that's weird. My wife came home with 100 lbs of dog food the other day. I don't know what she was thinking. We don't even own a dog and I'm allergic to dogs."

The third blond man says, "Well, you think that's weird. I've got both of you beat. My wife recently won a cruise and she's going with some female friends. So, she was out shopping the other day getting ready for this cruise and she came home with 100 condoms. She doesn't even have a penis!"

 

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"

 

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The Pope replied, "Big tits."

 

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife, a redhead, picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"Damn, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex," she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."

 

A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tare."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand that neither."

 

The scene is the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve have just finished making love.

God looks down, sees Adam, and asks "Where's Eve?"

Adam replies, "She's down at the creek, washing up."

God smacks himself in the forehead, and exclaims "Great, now how am I ever going to get the smell off those poor fish!!!!"

 

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have nobody broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

 

Redneck Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.


DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.


THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

When asked to deliver the eulogy at a funeral, remember to honor the deceased. However, don't brag about his romantic exploits, his ability to hold his liquor, how proficient he was with spray paint, or about the really wild parties he used to have.

 

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family, well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

 

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "The 8:30 or the 10 AM service?"

 

What men say, and what they mean....

1. "I'm going fishing"
- Means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"

2. "It's a guy thing"
- Means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

3. "Can I help with dinner?"
- Means... "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

4. 'Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear"
- Means... Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

5. "It would take too long to explain"
- Means... "I have no idea how it works".

6. "We're going to be late"
- Means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
- Means... "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard"
- Means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

9. "That's interesting dear"
- Means... "Are you still talking?"

10. "It's a really good movie"
- Means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".

11. "That's women's work"
- Means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".

12. "You know how bad my memory is"
- Means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday".

13. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses"
- Means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".

14. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal"
- Means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".

16. "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing"
- Means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

17. "I can't find it"
- Means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".

18. "What did I do this time?"
- Means... "What did you catch me at?"

19. "I heard you"
- Means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

20. "You know I could never love anyone else"
- Means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".

21. "You look terrific"
- Means... "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"

22. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are"
- Means... "No one will ever see us alive again".

23. "We share the housework"
- Means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up".

 

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

'I'm an attorney,' the wincing man said, 'and this is going to cost you $5000.'

'I'm sorry, I'm really sorry,' the concerned golfer replied. 'But I did yell 'fore'.'

'I'll take it,' the attorney said.

 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

POOF

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

POOF

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

 

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.

In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"

In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"

In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"

Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"