Joke of the Day

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."

 

Entry in young woman's diary :

Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part!

 

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn''t matter, I want to buy those women a drink."

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

 

A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know.

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.

"Well son,how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"

 

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style. When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard upside her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says "For not looking back to see who it is"

 

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"...

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

 

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I’m cold."

He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I’m still very cold."

He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I’m sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married."

The nun said, "That’s fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

 

me too.....

 

Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."

"The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."

"The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toilet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself"

Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff. Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"

 

This very EVIL bad guy dies. When he wakes up he sees what appears to be angels around him and everyone is dressed in white.
He says to himself quietly "this must be a mistake". He then says out loud HEAVEN.
One of the people standing around him said no this is not heaven its Hell and we are all demonds.

The guy shouts oh no what have I done, I should have listen and been a good person.
The demond states wait a minute, you might like it here.
Do you like to drink ? He replies I love to drink !
The demond says well on monday you drink all day, any type of beer, hard liquior, wine anything you want without getting sick.

The guy replies sounds good.

The demonds asks do you like to eat ? The guy replies yes.

The demond says on tuesday you can have anytype of food all day from anywhere in the world. The guy replies this sounds great.

The demond says do you like to smoke cigars ? The guy replies heck yea !!!!
The demond says on wednesday you can smoke as many fine cigars as you want from anywhere.

The guy says wow this is fantastic !!!!!

The demond says to the guy are you gay. The guy says no way no how not me.

The demond says you will not like thursdays.

 

Thanks guys-shared the jokes so more can enjoy.

 

Why don't orphans know how to play baseball?












They can't find home.

 

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge toldMickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, butI can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

 

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?!"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!"

 

A guy gets married but is a virgin and needs help with technique.

He gets a friend to tag along and rent a room that connects via the bathroom. He figures he can pretend that nature called and go get advice at any time.

As soon as he and his wife get started, he becomes confused and rushes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, his new bride discovers that she needs to take a dump badly. She finds a shoebox and squats down and takes care of business. As she finishes, he starts to come out so she turns out the lights and jumps into bed.

As he walks across the room, he steps the box and screams, "Oh man, this box is full of shit!" His buddy yells out from the bathroom, "turn 'er over Fred, turn 'er over".

 

There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his Mother and asked her what they were doing.

His Mother told him. "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st Birthday, he went out with some friends, who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before.

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of? It won't hurt."

He replied, "My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I'll die that very minute!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot kiss, square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die."

She asked, "Why are you going to die?"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!"

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

What does Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last hit was the wall.

 

interesting

 

oh