Joke of the Day

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

 

An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old man replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned.

"You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

 

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, 'Oh, look! A nut!' The second squirrel jumped on it and said, 'It’s my nut!'

The first squirrel said, 'That’s not fair! I saw it first!'

'Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,' argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, 'You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.'

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, 'Now, give me the nut.'

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, 'See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.'

Then he reached over and said, 'And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.'

 

Juan and Julio are illegally crossing the US border between Mexico and Arizona. Trudging through the desert sands, they are hungry and thirsty, hoping to find one of the many water stations set up for just such as they, when Julio comes to a sudden stop.

Julio sniffs the air. "Juan, do you smell that?"

"What?"

"It smells like bacon!"

Juan snorts. "Bacon, in the middle of the desert? You are loco."

"It is bacon," Julio insists. "It must be a bacon tree!" With that Julio sprints over a sand dune and into the hands of the US Border Patrol.

As they are being handcuffed and whisked away for deportation, Juan looks angrily at his amigo. "Well, Julio. You were close. It wasn't a bacon tree."

"It was a ham bush."

 

Q: Why do brunettes have to pay $2,000 extra for a boob job?

A: Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.

 

This husband kisses his wife goodbye and drove off to work. Halfway there, he remembered that he forgot something. So he turned the car around and drove back home.

When he walked back into the bedroom of his house, there was his wife, lying totally nude on the bed and the milkman standing totally nude beside her.

The milkman promptly went into a squatting position on the rug and said, "I'm glad you're here, Mr. Smith, because I was just telling your wife that if she doesn't pay the milk bill, I'm gonna shit all over the floor."

 

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

 

A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t ever think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

 

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

 

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

 

The US Department of the Interior had to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." One day they received a letter from a hunter in Alabama:

Dear Sirs:
Last week I shot one of your birds. It might have been a crow. I followed the cooking directions on the leg tag. Let me tell you, It was AWFUL!

The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."

 

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet covering the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out,and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the medical examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the medical examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

 

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’

 

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and none could dispute that. But then he said they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from it’s feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber bullet it was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "ringbrook." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion. Shot with a .416 rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

 

Redhead - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Redhead
Symbol: RH
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer: It's debatable, some say Adam, but we now know, that only God could discover something so perfect!
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

1. Surface usually covered with minimal painted film. As a rule, not necessary.
2. Boils at everything, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5. Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4. Reactive in liquids, even more, increased activity when saturated in alcohol.
5. Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can greatly improve hormonal levels.
3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
4. Incapable of cooling things down, when it's too hot.

Tests

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.

 

In Las Vegas there's a nightclub that has a very special mirror in the ladies room. When you stand in front of this mirror and tell a lie the mirror swallows you.

A rather ugly woman stands in front of the mirror and says: '' I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole world!''

SHUM! The mirror swallows her

Then a fat woman stands in front of it and says:’ I think I am the sexiest woman on earth!''

SHUM! The mirror swallows her.

Afterwards a very good looking-sexy blonde stands in front of the mirror and says:

''I think.''

SHUM!

 

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)


'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks

 

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told the Mrs. that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3:00 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution (even when smashed) to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seemed disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted."

 

One day, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. Holding a knife to her throat, he said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum. She pointed it at his head and said, "No, you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"