Joke of the Day

knock
knock
whos there
lettuce
lettuce who
lettuce sit down and talk

 

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore do like you!

 

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over", he said.

 

Q: What do the World Series and bears on birth control have in common?

A: No Cubs

 

Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.

"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"

"I’m sick of sports, I’m sick of TV," she replied. "You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!"

"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"

 

"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do. I sit down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV. That's until they throw me out of Applebees."
--Dave Letterman

 

Q: How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?

A: Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.

 

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

 

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

 

"You don't know Jack Schitt..." Now you'll know the rest of the story.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the "Knee Deep Schitt Inn." Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shorty after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

NOW YOU KNOW JACK SCHITT!

 

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more Than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, We are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full Of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing this as a public service.

 

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
They said this was NOT an acceptable answer. I keep asking myself, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

 

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

 

Q: Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?

A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

 

Q: How do you know when you've had sex with a redhead?

A: If you are dehydrated, can't walk, and have blood running down your back, you've been with a redhead.

 

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: ’I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the cow.’

 

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks...

Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill....and there's no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded..."Just because I am aesthetically challenged, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet says, "Whenever I feel that a guy's getting ready to make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him, so she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"

 

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but pants made of plastic wrap.

The doctor looks at the man for a moment, and says with a straight face "I can see (you're/your) nuts."

 

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don’t know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"

 

Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.