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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Aug 18, 2013 at 5:23 PM
    #2641
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Can anyone explain?

    daily_picdump_996_640_30.jpg
     
  2. Aug 18, 2013 at 5:25 PM
    #2642
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
    given their new wives duties.
    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
    Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, he dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
    The third man had married an IRISH girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
    He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
     
  3. Aug 18, 2013 at 6:07 PM
    #2643
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...
    AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
    BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
    DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
    DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
    DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
    FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
    FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
    FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
    GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
    HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
    IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
    INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
    LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
    OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
    PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
    PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
    PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
    SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
    STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
    STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
    TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
    THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
    TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
    TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
    VERBAL: able to whine in words.
    WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
    WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
    WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
     
  4. Aug 18, 2013 at 6:12 PM
    #2644
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
    When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
    "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
    "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
     
  5. Aug 18, 2013 at 6:48 PM
    #2645
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply
     
  6. Aug 18, 2013 at 9:15 PM
    #2646
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    ummmmm.............

    1185420_708784822480361_844874830_n.jpg
     
  7. Aug 18, 2013 at 9:50 PM
    #2647
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    "May I take your order?" the blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out that theyre going to die."
     
  8. Aug 19, 2013 at 12:11 AM
    #2648
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

    Joined:
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    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
    Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
     
  9. Aug 19, 2013 at 3:36 PM
    #2649
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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  10. Aug 22, 2013 at 1:21 AM
    #2650
    23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    08 PreRunner SR5 TRD Sport 2wd
    tint, bed cover, weathertech bug guard, window trim and mats, FOX hitch cover, viper alarm and remote start, kenwood deck, 10 station xm sat, 12.1 flip down dvd player, all pioneer door speakers, AVS rear window vent shade
  11. Sep 1, 2013 at 3:21 PM
    #2651
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    2" lift AAL and Bilstiens-front-rear,front diff drop. main drive drop
  12. Sep 11, 2013 at 1:13 PM
    #2652
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist,

    so everyone will know what it looks like in here."

    The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice

    in here." Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that

    snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"
     
  13. Sep 15, 2013 at 1:36 PM
    #2653
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    2" lift AAL and Bilstiens-front-rear,front diff drop. main drive drop
    HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

    1. Compliment her, 2. cuddle her, 3. kiss her, 4. caress her, 5. love her, 6. stroke her, 7. tease her, 8. comfort her, 9. protect her, 10. hug her, 11. hold her, 12. spend money on her, 13. wine & dine her, 14. buy things for her,

    15. listen to her, 16. care for her, 17. stand by her, 18. support her, 19. go to the ends of the earth for her.

    HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: 1.Show up naked. a). Bring beer.
     
  14. Sep 17, 2013 at 3:26 PM
    #2654
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    2" lift AAL and Bilstiens-front-rear,front diff drop. main drive drop
    A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

    "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

    "But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
     
  15. Sep 17, 2013 at 5:52 PM
    #2655
    Tacozilla

    Tacozilla Well-Known Member

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    So Cal
    Tinted windows,Weather tech digital fit mats, Bed mat mod, added bottle opener to bed. Wet Okole's, thats it so far
    This child molester grabbes this kid by his hands and starts to drag him into the woods.

    The kid says "let me go"

    Child molester says shut the hell up and keeps dragging the kid futher and further into the woods.

    The kid says its getting dark outside let me go I'm scared.

    CHild molester says shut up how do you think I feel, I have to walk outta here alone.





    I know dont be to sensitive its just a joke.
     
  16. Sep 19, 2013 at 1:22 PM
    #2656
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    FEMALE PRAYER

    Before I lay me down to sleep,

    I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

    One who's handsome, smart and strong,

    One who loves to listen long,

    One who thinks before he speaks,

    One who'll call, not wait for weeks

    I pray he's gainfully employed,

    When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

    Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

    Massages my back and begs to do more.

    Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,

    Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

    I pray that this man will love me no end,

    And never attempt to hit on my friend.

    And as I pray beside my bed,

    I look at the clown you sent me instead.

    Amen.

    MALE PRAYER

    I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

    who owns a liquor store. Amen.
     
  17. Sep 28, 2013 at 1:37 PM
    #2657
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    Q. What do you call a virgin laying on a waterbed?

    A. Cherry float.
     
  18. Sep 28, 2013 at 1:39 PM
    #2658
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.
     
  19. Oct 2, 2013 at 8:38 AM
    #2659
    RelentlessFab

    RelentlessFab Tacoma offroad armor fabricating beast Vendor

    Joined:
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    Eric
    Eastern side of the Sierras, NV
    Vehicle:
    07 SR5 4x4> 03 SR5 4x4 total> 14 Crewmax TRD
    Had tons on the Taco's.... new truck is pretty stock
    Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
    They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
    The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. ...
    I wonder how deep it is!"
    The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
    The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old car transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
    So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
    While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
    "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
    The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"
    The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a car transmission."
     
  20. Oct 6, 2013 at 12:48 PM
    #2660
    newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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