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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    happened...

    1187088_563610770365666_57950206_n.jpg
     
  2. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Three guys met at the local bar. They were discussing the events of the day. After a few hours, one guy ordered buffalo wings. He offered them to the other two. First guy accepted.

    The second guy said he didn't eat anything that has a face.

    The first guy said, that must really piss off your wife.
     
  3. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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  4. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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  5. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
     
  6. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
     
  7. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Can anyone explain?

    daily_picdump_996_640_30.jpg
     
  8. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
    given their new wives duties.
    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
    Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, he dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
    The third man had married an IRISH girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
    He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
     
  9. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...
    AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
    BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
    DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
    DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
    DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
    FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
    FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
    FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
    GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
    HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
    IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
    INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
    LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
    OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
    PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
    PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
    PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
    SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
    STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
    STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
    TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
    THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
    TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
    TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
    VERBAL: able to whine in words.
    WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
    WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
    WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
     
  10. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
    When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
    "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
    "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
     
  11. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply
     
  12. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    ummmmm.............

    1185420_708784822480361_844874830_n.jpg
     
  13. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    "May I take your order?" the blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out that theyre going to die."
     
  14. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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    Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
     
  15. newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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  16. 23dec2007

    23dec2007 Outlaw 525S member

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  17. newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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  18. newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist,

    so everyone will know what it looks like in here."

    The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice

    in here." Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that

    snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"
     
  19. newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

    1. Compliment her, 2. cuddle her, 3. kiss her, 4. caress her, 5. love her, 6. stroke her, 7. tease her, 8. comfort her, 9. protect her, 10. hug her, 11. hold her, 12. spend money on her, 13. wine & dine her, 14. buy things for her,

    15. listen to her, 16. care for her, 17. stand by her, 18. support her, 19. go to the ends of the earth for her.

    HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: 1.Show up naked. a). Bring beer.
     
  20. newertoy

    newertoy Well-Known Member

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    A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

    "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

    "But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
     
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