Joke of the Day

A man in his late 70s is at the pub with a mate of his, discussing their respective wives. ‘Mine still thinks she’s a young woman.’



‘If you want to know how young she is, you could try this little trick. When you get home, ask her what’s for dinner from several distances. Start at 30 feet, then 25 feet, then 20, and so on.



The sooner she hears you, the younger she is.’ So, an hour later, t...he man arrives home and shouts, at a distance of about 30 feet from his wife: ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ No answer. He goes a bit closer. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ Still no answer.



He goes closer, asks it again, no response… When he’s finally standing in the doorway of the kitchen, about five feet away from his wife, he yells, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?!’ His wife turns around briskly and says, sounding irritated: ‘I’ve already told you three times now: chicken and mushrooms!’

 

Little Johnny comes home late from school everyday. So on friday he comes home late and his mother is very angry. She says to johnny why have you come home everyday from school this week late.

Little johnny says real proud, mom I was having sex !. The mother angry and apauled says you march up to your room and wait for your father to come home.

Little johnny's father came home from work. His mother told him what he had told her. Little johnny's father walking up the stairs kind of proud of his son.

His father ask little johnny, So why were you late everyday from school ?

Johnny replied, I was having sex dad. Ths dad asked well did you like it ? Johnny said, very much so dad. The father asked johnny are you going to do it again.
Little johnny replied, I dont know. The father said why ?

Little johnny said I have to wait for my asshole to stop to bleed.

 

>>A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
>>His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
>>"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
>>He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
>>Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...
>>He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
>>Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
>>When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
>>When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
>>"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
>>He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
>>
>>You're laughing aren't you
>>...I know you are!!!

 

Definition of Handsome


A teacher in Detroit asked students to use "handsome" in a sentence.
A student named Latisha says,



"Sometimes when I be pleasin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw gits sore, and I hafta use my handsome."

 

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase....




The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?
"Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, Increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

Subscribed

 

CHINESE SICK LEAVE:
I NO COME WORK TODAY.
Wong Chow calls into work and says, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work..
The boss says, You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon..... You got nice house.

 

this thread needs to be revived

 

A Man texts his Neighbor...

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and feeling betrayed, went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife"."

 

The first thing I turn off is auto correct. Saving Lives
.....Good joke.

 

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb

 

sub'd

 

i miss this thread. i used to read it everyday.

bump.

 

Little Johnny's teacher passed out red lifesavers to all the kids in class as part of her lesson on the 5 senses. She told all the children to use whatever sense of perception they could to figure out the flavor. Some kids smelled them, some pointed out the color, but everyone eventually tasted them. Finally a little girl raised her hand and said, "is it cherry?" "Yes it is" said the teacher. Next she passed out purple grape lifesavers to everyone. The children examined and tasted the candy until a little boy put his hand in the air and announced, "it's grape!" "Good job" said the teacher. For the last one, she passed out yellow honey-flavored lifesavers. All the kids examined, smelled, and tasted the candy, but no one had a guess. The teacher offered a hint. She said, "It's something your mommy and daddy may call you." Little Johnny immediately screamed, "Spit it out everybody, it's asshole!"

 

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half burned American flag taped to the trunk of their car and a 'Remember 9-11' slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled 'Praise Allah' and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18 wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, 'Man, that could have been me!' So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

 

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?… He’s 0K now.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.

 

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Batman.

 

Ok here's a long one:

A newly married couple are on their honeymoon and check into their hotel room. As they undress, the 6'4" husband tosses his pants over to his 5'1" petite bride and says "Here, try my pants on."

Just for fun, the bride puts her husbands pants on and says "Your pants are too big, I can't wear these." The husband then says "That's right! those are man pants. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."

The bride thinks for a moment, pulls her lace panties off, and sling shots them at her husband. "Here, try these on" she says. The husband asks why. The bride insists. "Put them on"

The husband manages to get one foot in, then the other, and gets the panties up as far as his knees and says, "This is silly, I can't get into your pants..." The bride then stands up and says "That's right, you can't get into my pants and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes !!!"

 

3 guys went to hell. They all went for different reasons.

Guy 1: Pretty much a man whore who bedded lots of women

Guy 2: Heavy alcoholic his entire life

Guy 3: Major pothead

So the devil has 3 different doors for all 3. He opens the door for guy 1 and its full of women. He says "Hell yea thanks devil!" and goes in.

Guy 2's door is opened and its a bar full of the best kind of liquor and he goes in all excited.

Guy 3's door is opened and behind it was Marijuana fields as far as he can see.

100 years later the devil comes back and lets them all out. Guy 1 stumbles out running yelling "I'm never touching another woman again!" Guy 2 says "I'm never drinking again!"

Then he gets to guy 3. He opens the door and he's just sitting there. The devil asks "whats wrong?" and he looks at him and says "You gotta light?"

 

NEW STUDY

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 bottles of beer apiece within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.