Joke of the Day

Kinda old, but still funny


LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a

particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where

they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.



Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate

their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to

Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

​

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was

a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
​

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and

without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
​

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory

after suffering a heart attack.



The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from

relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed
​

and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on

the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which
​

read:

To: My Loving Wife



Date: Friday, October 13, 2005



Subject: I have Arrived!



Dearest Love:



I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here

now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just

arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
​

prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is freaking hot down here!!

​

 

Guts or balls.





There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.





Medically speaking there

 

Old but still good


For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.


The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, 'Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Moral of the story: Don't Mess with Old People!!

 

Another old people one, but good


A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex ther! apist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

 

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America.
You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

 

Loyalty in Marriage
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One
day, he motioned for
her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
business failed, you
were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house,
you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you
were still by my
side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."

 

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy....it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier..'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


All right Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.

Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!

 

Skinny Dipping.


An elderly man in North Maine had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe

courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

Thats fantastic!

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

 

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and theother is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it This is one ferocious lion He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at herfeet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way...

 

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward..


She said, 'I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'


You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.


She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'


Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.


She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.


A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.'