Joke of the Day

A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"

 

8 year walks into a bar and tells the bartender SCOTCH the lady looks at him and says excuse me the little boy bangs his hands on the bar and says Scotch and make it a double!! the lady asks are you trying to get me in trouble the little boy says maybe in a little bit but right now i want that scotch

 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the h ouse.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistak e.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and sh e is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:


To: John Hinckley
>
> From: John McCain
>
> My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
>
> My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

> Best Wishes,
>
> John and Cindy McCain
>
> PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. Just thought you should know.

 

Jeff Gordon's #24 team Hires Harlem Youngsters
The decision to hire Harlem kids was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to strip a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without any proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech specialized equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

 

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their
faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while
with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This
is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by
lightning. "

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought she was having her picture taken."

 

This one is funny every time I read it


The Phone Call


((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"


*** Brief Pause ***


"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."


***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause**


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486 - 5731 ??

 

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel , the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' ​

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
________________________________________________________________
FAMILY ​

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old
draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood .' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
___________________________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' ​

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' ​

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' ​

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer .....'
_________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY: ​

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked,
she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' ​

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_____________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS: ​

Now this one is just too Precious... ! ​

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared
all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is '
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he
heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, ' Ernie, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77 .. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Ernie , 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'​

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting
any.


5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of

car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have
their
shoes

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.
Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

A social worker from a big City in New York recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'
(Government workers are so smart)