Joke of the Day

This ones good


The Eighteen Bottles


I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

 

Men have an easier life:

NICKNAMES:

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

Marrying A Chicago Girl

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He
said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a
huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Chicago.

He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed,
lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to
eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper and put in a load of
laundry.

 

Drinking with a Redneck Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer,
he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are
so cheap we don't need to drink with
the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that
we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out
her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on
the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice...'

 

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's
got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,
"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the
sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto
the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you
got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

 

The Bad Day

There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
"The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.
"And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice firetruck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles... 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."
"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?' To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

 

Its that time of the year again. Dont know how true any of this is, however it sure does sound funny.

HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS

(Internal Revenue Service, is the agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary)

Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on
the back of a Kroger sack.

When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.

On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

 

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!"

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said, 'I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted....

 

TcBob joining in on the ole' jokes now are we?

 

QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a signpost."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

31. "It's hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

32. "One neuron short of a synapse."

33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4 Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.


Cooter

 

Hope this isnt a repeat.....


A man comes home from work, sits down and asks his wife " Honey, can you grab me a beer? It's about to start"

The wife brings him a beer and says " here you go sweetie I love you"

The husband downs the beer, says" I love you too, can you grab me another beer, It's about to start"

The wife grabs him another beer, hands it to him with a puzzled look.

The husband downs the 2nd beer, and hands the empty bottle back to his wife, burps and says, " go ahead and grab me another beer, it's about to start"

The wife grabs the bottle and yells, " What the fuck do you think this is you just walk in here sit on your ass and..... "

and the husband say " Oh shit, It's Started"

 

^^

 

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom,
I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful
wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating
girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
"Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry
about this."

Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married",
he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear. He's not really your father."

 

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite...

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need some tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind, last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"