Joke of the Day

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”
After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

 

A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him that she needs help to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few Questions.' He gets her name, address, social security Number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?'

'I'm a prostitute,' she says.

The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback And says, 'No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that.'

The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl.'

'No, that still won't work. Try again.'

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

'I'm a chicken farmer.'

The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'

'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'

'Chicken Farmer it is. '

 

Blondes Protective Computer GearYesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a newsecretary (a very attractive blonde) in the office down the hall fromme.She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work,can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look andproceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clearplastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and diggingout the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the halltrying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief,I asked her how the plastic got into the drive."Oh, you mean the condom!", she said. "Condom???", I asked. "Yes,John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my diskbefore inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do tokeep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5"plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical jokehad been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked(as serious as one could be), "Does that mean I don't have to strokeit ten times or blow on it either???"

 

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

 

This is wrong, but funny

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

• A Litre of 2% milk,
• A carton of eggs,
• A Litre of orange juice,
• A head of lettuce,
• A can of coffee,
• And one pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "

 

Classic

 

39 things never said by a redneck




39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

 

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H..I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

I had always thought it was just a golf term.

 

Before you forward this new-found "knowledge" better have a look here:
http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/shit.asp

Sounds cool, though

 

This is the joke of the day section.

 

Well I guess it's on me

 

Looks like I opened one steamin' sack of shit

 

The Mix-Up

Mr. Smith went to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results.
"I'm sorry, sir," the lab technician said, "but there's been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples of another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we're not certain which is your wife's. Frankly, it's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Well," explained the lab tech, "one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We're unable to tell which is your wife."
"That's horrible," exclaimed Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes," said the lab tech. "However, you have an HMO and they won't pay for these costly tests more than once."
"What am I supposed to do now?" Mr. Smith asked. "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her!" replied the tech.

 

.....And thats when the fight started


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we

were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said,

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

*******************************************************************



I asked my wife,

"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested,

"How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started...

*******************************************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the

boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be

bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and

slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a

different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

And that's when the fight started...

*******************************************************************


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started...

*******************************************************************


A woman was standing, nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not

happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible. I

look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The

husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's when the fight started...

*******************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...

*******************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table. My wife asked,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she

took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I

hear she hasn't been sober since.

"My God!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started.

*******************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started...

*******************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And that's when the fight started...

*******************************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started...

 

It was once said that a black man would be president "when pigs fly".

Indeed that is true.

100 Days into Obama's presidency, swine flu!

 

This is just a joke. Not meant to start a political discussion.




A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.