Joke of the Day

Deputy stops at a ranch and talks with the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me' Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....

'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!'

 

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

 

What is a New York Yankee??

Same thing as a New York Quickie....But a guy can do it by himself...



What do a Hooker and Bungee Jumping have in common???

They both cost about 100 bucks and if the rubber breaks....Your screwd....





If the dove is the bird of love? What is the bird of Sex?

The Swallow....



Whats the difference between sin and shame?

Its a sin to put it in, but its a shame to take it out...



Why do women always rub their eyes first thing in the morning???

They dont have balls to scratch...

 

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass...."

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

 

two muffins are in the oven baking. one muffin says to the other... "man it is really getting hot in here"

the other muffin says "AAAAHHHH a talking muffin!!!!"

 

A man and a kid are walking through the forest.

The kid says "It's really scary out here."

The man say "How do you think I feel? I gotta walk back alone."

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

 

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

 

A Joke from the hit TV Show How I Met Your Mother..

Told by Barney Stinson:
What is the difference between Peanut Butter and Jam?

.... You don't peanut butter your dick into someones a**....

 

lol

 

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''if it happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

 

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

 

Why English Is So Hard To Learn



1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Things Found Only In America




1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.



3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.



5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.



6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."



10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

The Voice


There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was very successful at his job. He had a wife and was happily married. And he had lots of money. Then one day he heard A Voice. The Voice said, “Quit your job, sell your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He said to himself, “What was that all about?” All that day he heard The Voice over and over and over. It was driving him crazy! He decided he was working too hard so he took the next day off.

While he was at home he kept hearing The Voice. “Quit your job, sell all your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He finally decided to move. So the next day he quit his job, sold his property and moved to Las Vegas.

When he got there The Voice said, “Go to the Stardust Casino.” So he went there. He got there and The Voice said, “Go to the Roulette Wheel. Put all your money on red 16.” So he does. The man behind the wheel started it to spin around and around and around. It finally stops on black 12. The Voice says, “WELL, SHIT!”

 

Why Things Found Only In America Work

Obviously the writer has never ordered pizza in Rhode Island. I'm not sure if that means our ambulance drivers are great or our pizza delivery drivers suck.

Because little old American ladies love watching their grand kids play.

Sick people are willing to be inconvenienced for their meds. Healthy people are impatient so placing what they are in a hurry for where it's convenient is marketing at it's best. It also insures a supply of sick people who are already loyal customers which is good long range planning.

We do this because Diet Coke tastes better than the crappy shakes fast food places serve... The Minute Maid Light lemonade at Wendys is also darned good.

Because people who would never rob a bank will walk off with a pen without thinking about it.

Who has been talking to my wife? Granted my garage is large but we manage to get a car, a truck AND my stuff which I will swear to my dying day that I may have a use for someday in there.

Having nothing to hide I have never screened a call. If I'm within range of the phone I answer it. Real man don't need call waiting, forwarding, conferencing, I.D. or any other fancy add ons. That money is better spent on beer.

Packages of 10??? Who still does that. Shopping club 3 to 5 pound boxes FTW!

It's a system which will continue to plod along until the revolution which was provided for by the Founding Fathers.

Which is useful for a friend of mine. She became legally blind and lost her licence until she moved a couple miles over the border into Massachusetts and applied there. She has been given a new drivers licence and told to be careful.

 

That's just scary....

 

Chemistry, Duke And Bonkistry



Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...

WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

 

50 Dollars is 50 dollars



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' ; Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars