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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by gdawg25, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Mar 20, 2008 at 2:17 PM
    #41
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.


    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

    So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.


    The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it'!

    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral on Thursday at Noon .

    Closed coffin.
     
  2. Mar 20, 2008 at 2:19 PM
    #42
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
     
  3. Mar 20, 2008 at 2:24 PM
    #43
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    Elderly Foreplay

    The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style..

    The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

    The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic.
    However, she finally got it in place.

    She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

    However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

    'Agnes!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole.'
     
  4. Mar 20, 2008 at 2:43 PM
    #44
    rick

    rick `

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    A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
    having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
    next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
    redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
    jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
    Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up asshole you're
    next!"
     
  5. Mar 20, 2008 at 2:50 PM
    #45
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    B.F.E., NY
    Vehicle:
    06 TRD OR DC SB 6SPD
    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    A blond was driving through town behind a truck when the truck stopped at a red light. The blond gets out & goes up to the truck driver and says, "Your truck's leaking". At the next red light the blond again jumps out of her car, goes up to the truck driver and says, "Your truck's leaking". At the next red light, the truck driver climbs out of his truck, goes back to the blond and says, "My truck is not leaking. I'm spreading salt."
     
  6. Mar 20, 2008 at 2:54 PM
    #46
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    B.F.E., NY
    Vehicle:
    06 TRD OR DC SB 6SPD
    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    I have been married 40 years, I took a look at my wife
    one day and said,
    "Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no
    car, no TV, no money and
    slept on a sofa bed, but every night I was thrilled to
    sleep with a hot,
    good looking 18 year old.

    Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king
    size bed, money in the
    bank and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 60
    year old woman. It
    seems to me that you are not holding up your side of
    things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
    out and find a hot 18
    year old beautiful girl, and she would make sure that
    I would once again be
    living in a cheap apartment, no car, no money and
    sleeping on a sofa bed.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to
    solve your mid-life crises
     
  7. Mar 20, 2008 at 3:06 PM
    #47
    Evil Monkey

    Evil Monkey There's an evil monkey in my truck

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  8. Mar 20, 2008 at 3:12 PM
    #48
    Evil Monkey

    Evil Monkey There's an evil monkey in my truck

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    Escondido, CA
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    Weathertech front & rear mats, rear suspension TSB, Toytec AAL for TSB, Hi-Lift Jack, Bilstein 5100 & Toytec Adjustable coilovers, Built Right UCAs, KMC XD 795 Hoss Wheels, Definity Dakota MTs 285/75R16, Leer XR, Thule Tracker II & Thule MOAB basket
    A blonde policewoman pulls another blonde over for a traffic violation:

    Blonde Policewoman: "Maam, I need to see your drivers license."
    Blonde Driver: "I don't know what that is."
    Blonde Policewoman: "It's that thing with your picture on it."
    Blonde Driver: "Oh, here it is."

    She hands the policewoman her makeup mirror.

    Blonde Policewoman looks at it and says "You didn't mention you were a cop!"
     
  9. Mar 20, 2008 at 3:47 PM
    #49
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    B.F.E., NY
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    06 TRD OR DC SB 6SPD
    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    While driving on the highway, I saw a billboard that said:

    " Need help, call Jesus!"
    1-800-005-3787

    Out of curiosity I did........A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
     
  10. Mar 20, 2008 at 3:56 PM
    #50
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    B.F.E., NY
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    06 TRD OR DC SB 6SPD
    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    Dog For Sale

    Free to good home.

    Excellent guard dog.

    Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

    Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'

    ATT00106.jpg
     
  11. Mar 20, 2008 at 4:52 PM
    #51
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay. His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly.

    You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?
    The son said nervously, Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right.

    His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled
    around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said................

    Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!!!
     
  12. Mar 20, 2008 at 4:55 PM
    #52
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    Son asked his mother the following question:

    'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
    Replies,

    'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

    The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his
    father.

    'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

    The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


    'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
     
  13. Mar 20, 2008 at 5:00 PM
    #53
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    This was in the News yesterday. A Woman that lives in Galesburg was weed-eating her lawn. She accidentally cut off the tail of her favorite Cat.

    She rushed her Cat along with the tail over to the new Super Wal-Mart!




    You might ask, why Wal-Mart ?














    Because Wal-Mart is the largest Retailer in town !!!
     
  14. Mar 20, 2008 at 5:04 PM
    #54
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

    Harry: "9."


    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

    Harry: "36."

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

    Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

    Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: "Pockets."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

    Harry: "Pants."

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

    Harry: "Coconut."

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

    Harry: "Shake hands."

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

    Harry: "Firetruck."

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
     
  15. Mar 20, 2008 at 5:06 PM
    #55
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    Telephone Poll

    The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office, asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

    29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

    71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
     
  16. Mar 20, 2008 at 5:09 PM
    #56
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

    Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

    Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

    Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

    Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"

    Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."
     
  17. Mar 21, 2008 at 7:10 AM
    #57
    nd

    nd Radical Town. It's a hell of a place!

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    De badged, 5100's, Black Toyota Baja wheels
    I love this thread! Keep 'em comin guys, especially the blonde jokes.... and the one about the kitchen appliances ;)
     
  18. Mar 21, 2008 at 7:44 AM
    #58
    piercedtiger

    piercedtiger Devout Atheist

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    Bestop canopy, hood struts, relocated 7-pin, 3" Toytec spacer/AAL, 265/75 16 Yokohama Geolander ATS, Hi-Lift mounted in bed, fog light mod, turn signal mod, locker mod, driver seat mag light mount, step bars, reinforced tailgate, ABS kill switch, black grill surround, bed lights, Brute Force front
    I have one I love about twister damage, but it's kinda graphic, and NOT work safe AT ALL..... I'm afraid to post it....
     
  19. Mar 21, 2008 at 8:30 AM
    #59
    nd

    nd Radical Town. It's a hell of a place!

    Joined:
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    De badged, 5100's, Black Toyota Baja wheels
    as long as there are no pics i say go for it. if you dont post it at least PM me with it
     
  20. Mar 21, 2008 at 8:31 AM
    #60
    lsocoee

    lsocoee My hair is all natural Thor

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    Yeah, me too.
     
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