Joke of the Day

its even better cause I was in petsmart yesterday. I need to pull that one next time

 

Drinks That Reflect Personality

Before you order a drink in public you should read this. Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

WOMAN DRINKS AND WHO THEY ARE.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is..this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

MAN DRINKS & WHO THEY ARE

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.

 

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…

....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . ... …. .. .. . … ..
... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .... . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
. ..... .... ..... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... .... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ........ ...... .....

Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . ...... ....”

 

Just some history points to brighten your day:


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008

 

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says: "Did you know that Moose have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw shit...," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

 

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.


They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.


She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.


It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So, they buried Susie.

 

o Necrophilia

 

Can some Translate.. I dont know how to speak Anne Frank.. uhh I mean Helen Kellar..

 

LMFAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH thats great

 

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female? To get the answer, look down...
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Look down, not scroll down. Geeezzz.



​

 

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Judy had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Judy visited her every day.

One day Judy said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favour: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Judy from her deathbed and said, 'Judy, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Judy was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Judy, Judy.'

'Who is it?', asked Judy, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Judy -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Judy.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Judy. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

 

friggin hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant re plied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."

 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. ;

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

 

cinderella was fired from disney today. she was found bouncing on pinnochios face screaming " lie motherfuc*er lie"

redneck work of the day sodas.
my wife gives good head but sodas her sisters.

 

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=&ni...iew&ad=1462526

 

http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/2009/07/28/no-pets-clause/#more-65

 

Best thing I've read all day.