Joke of the Day

When Brett Favre dies, God is going to have a press conference to tell him he is going to get into heaven, but then a few days later will text him to tell him no, he is going to hell. And then in hell the only thing on TV will be reports about whether God will change his mind.

 

Wow! Who knew that you could modify a truck so much with stuff from Wal-Mart?

 

Please tell me that is a photoshop.. bc that truck is disgusting

 

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Now, that's funny.... I don't care WHO you are.

 

DEA in the air


A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to crap all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

 

Lmao!!!!!!

 

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree; butt naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day.............cupcake..."

 

Note to self: stay the hell outa California..

 

lol...just stay away from San Francisco, LA, and a lot of the coastal city's.

 

Nope.. the whole state.. is now off limits.. I was layed over at LAX like 8 years ago for about 2 hrs .. adn that was long enough

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

 

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was a sleep.

I don't know what's worse:
1)Having your girlfriend find out you're married.

2)Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...

3)Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

 

HAHAHAHA Thats so friggin wrong!

 

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



A crazy bitch who will find you

 

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never
achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled
to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard and
makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young Italian man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young Italian man wave a
towel above your head. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring
on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
Italian and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not
help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the
Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young Italian man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same
strapping young man. The Italian gets into bed with the wife and the husband
waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon
she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the Italian and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

 

Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last mailing as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

 

The Potty

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE. BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS FOR THE KETCHUP."

 

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.The old man
headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.


He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.


As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.


The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'


The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance,
-- just never wanted to.'


A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well,
you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old
man's feet.


The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots
perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody
was laughing fit to be tied.


When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun,
and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried
clearly through the desert air.


The crowd stopped laughing immediately.


The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly.


The quiet was almost deafening.


The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin barrels.. He found it hard to swallow.


The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.


The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'


The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'





There are two lessons for us all:





1. Don't waste ammunition.


2. Don't mess with old people.


I just love a story with a happy ending..