Joke of the Day

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son
has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'
You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up again!!

 

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

 

Have a great weekend everyone!



One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches, the pussy will get wet.

 

A Priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Japanese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.


The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Japanese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Japanese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f*** can't they play at night?

 

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a
left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "An apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges" is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's
on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED AN OBAMA HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

 

^^^It would be funnier if it wasn't so true.^^^

 

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per
> hour. The wife is behind the wheel... Her husband suddenly looks across
> at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for
> twenty years, but I want a divorce."
>
>
> The wife says nothing,
> Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65
> mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out
> of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best
> friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
>
> Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
> and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the
> house," he says insistently..
>
> Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
>
> 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
> cards and the boat!"
>
> The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
> makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
>
> The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
> "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
> "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
>
>
>
>
> Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph. The wife turns to him
> and smiles. "The airbag."
>
>
>

 

OMG that's too funny!! I'm gonna have to send this one around at work......

 

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,........... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.
The End

 

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she told me,
"because I am trying to examine you."

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

 

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "No just taking a shit."

 

LMAO! That's great...

 

A NEW CROP OF BLONDE JOKES...


Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese....



Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.



A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."



A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.



A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold" "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk."What do you have there?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it? "
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".


Golf Balls:
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though.." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.. "How did you know I was at Walmart?"

 

The Pastor's Ass ​

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: ​

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. ​

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: ​

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. ​

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: ​

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. ​

The bishop fainted. ​

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. ​

The next day the paper read: ​

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. ​

Thi s was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. ​

The next day the headlines read: ​

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. ​

The bishop was buried the next day. ​

The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. ​

So be yourself and enjoy life. ​

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer ! ​

Have a nice day! ​

​

​

 

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

 

My wife said I never listen........


At least I think that's what she said.

 

AMOS 'N ANDY in LEMME ME GET THIS STRAIGHT


So the Kingfish say, "Uh, lemme get this heah straight, Andy.....

"It say heah that Mr. Obama's health care plan were written by a committee whose head man say he don't understand a word of it, be passed by a Congress that ain't read it, be signed by a president who smoke tobacco, be funded by a treasury chief who don't pay his taxes, be overseen by a surgeon general who's fat as a hog, and be paid for by a country that is practicly broke....

Tell me Andy boy, what could possibly go wrong?"

 

Damn, I'm out of rep!