Joke of the Day

i got him for you

 

Dr. Timothy McCarthy, while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of Plastic Surgery concluding with this case study:

"Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."

 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is
your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse".

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed."You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over
the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse .... alone".
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully .... for the
last time .... I said....."BRING POSSE!"

 

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Pelosi says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Nancy Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.

 

On ebay, a man tried to sell his Xbox 360 signed by Sarah Palin for 1.1 million dollars.
Cautious ebay buyers thought this was ironic because both the Xbox 360 and ex-Alaska governor Sarah Palin are likely to stop working after 2 and half years.

 

Zing!

 

Palin is irrelevant but it is funny to watch the looney left go after her.

 

What's looney is that she even has supporters!

 

If you say so.

 

Just got this as an e mail, thought it was pretty good

I was barely sitting down for a number two when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says:"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No.........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

 

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.

'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''

 

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?'

 

Thats awesome!

 

Annoying Passenger Next to You?
What to do in a flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to you ....
1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger sitting next to you.




​

 

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned .....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19 If it's t rue that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells :

_____"THEIRS"?

 

The phone rings and the Man of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mr. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mr. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your Wife's doctor sent her biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mrs. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your wife. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mr. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mr. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your wife off somewhere in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

 

HA!! Thanks for that one! That made my day!

 

Good stuff. Made me giggle.