Joke of the Day

CHINESE SICK LEAVE... I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!!

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss, I
not come work today...

I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my
legs and back hurt. I not come work"

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need
you today.

When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. "

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel much better. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

Dont know how true this is, but it sounds pretty good, read on


Subject: Land title FHA

Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. ​

With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. ​

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client; You've got to love this lawyer...... ​

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. ​

(Actual letter): ​

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." ​

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): ​

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. ​

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition. ​

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. ​

Now, may we have our loan?" ​

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming
from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through
the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk
is screaming.
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.. "You're scaring
my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every
time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

 

Not right, but funny​

Rude Bus Driver

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." ​

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" ​

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." ​

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. ​

"You're right sir I think I will report him." ​

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you." ​

 

You know you are from New Mexico if...

1. You can correctly pronounce words like Tesuque, Cerrillos, Acoma, Buena, Ocotillo, Cochiti, Pojoaque,Socorro and Isleta (and you actually know what or where they are!).
2. You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor that they are going to charge you extra for international shipping.
3. You expect to pay more if your house is made of Adobe.
4. You can order your Big Mac with green chile.
5. You buy salsa by the half-gallon.
6. You know what it means when they say it's from Hatch.
7. Your Christmas decorations include "red Chiles, a half-ton of sand and 200 paper bags."
8. Most restaurants you go to begin with "El" or "Los."
9. You price shop for tortillas.
10. You have an extra freezer just for green Chile.
11. You consider Billy the Kid a state hero. (?)
12. You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
13. You think the biggest perk to running for state legislature is that you could speed legally.
14. You pass on the left because that is the fast-lane.
15. You think Sonic is "America's Favorite Drive-in."
16. Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a Dust Devil.
17. You either have been or know someone who has been abducted by aliens.
18. You can actually hear the Taos hum.
19. All your out-of-state friends and relatives ask if they can drink the water when they come to visit.
20. When someone says "Las Vegas" you think of a small New Mexico town in the northeastern part of the state.
21. You iron your jeans to "dress up."
22. You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.
23. Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.
24. Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe, one in the legislature, the other in the state penitentiary.
25. You know what it means when a waitress asks you whether you want "red or green."
26. You're relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer potholes.
27. You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.
28. You've seen the bat flight at Carlsbad Caverns and have a t-shirt that says "Bats need friends, too!"
29. You know you are "special" because you're from the Land of Enchantment!
30. You've had Forts out in the desert or forest, which is also your back yard, so to speak.
31. You know what the night sky looks like full of stars and not pollution.
32. You've swam in an arroyo or an acequia..as a child or an ADULT!! LOL!
33. You've cooked an egg on the sidewalk.
34. You know what a horny toad is.
35. You can identify a quail, peacock, coyote, roadrunner, cricket, etc...by the sound they make.
36. You actually stop in the road when quail are crossing to wait for the whole "family" to get across.
37. Your Walmart sells snow sleds in the summer for the White Sands...but you can hardly find them in the winter.
38. You've slept outside either on the trampoline, the back of a truck, or just in the yard with friends.
39. When going to the store; you ask everyone in the vehicle if they’re going to “get down” with you.
40. You love the smell of rain in the desert.
41. You've caught tadpoles every summer as a kid.
42. One of your favorite past times is rock hunting.
43. Your High School Biology teacher taught you how to identify all of the desert plants that you could get high off of, and how to do it.
44. You've been to Mexico just to party.
45. You know that Christmas and weddings would not be the same without biscochitos.
46. You know what bartering is, and how to do it in at least 2 different languages.
47. You could totally win on Survivor, because you've been doing all that hunting, fishing, hiking survival technique stuff since you were 5 out in your own back yard.
48. Your city cousins from out of state come and visit you and don't get it when "going to do something" to you means to go hunting, fishing, hiking and theirs is hanging out at the mall.
49. You spent your 4 years of High School saying you were leaving this hell hole and never coming back; and when you left, you realized that there's no place like New Mexico, and will probably decide to retire back home.

ALL of you from New Mexico or at least those who live there and just LOVE it (except when the wind blows over 40MPH) and can relate to this, share it!!

​

 

Found this on a blog, seems appropriate…


Since the Dems are all about honoring Ted Kennedy by naming healthcare
reform after him, I have a helpful suggestion. I think we should call it
"Chappaquidicare". It has a lyrical sound and is perfectly appropriate.
The slogan should read:

Embrace Chappaquidicare, and get the same kind of tender care
from your government as Teddy's girlfriends got from him!

 

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS... But I was wrong, too!"

 

DADDY'S JOB


Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask
him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Cubs, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

 

The "F" Word

These are the only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use...

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 ​

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877 ​

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938 ​

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926 ​

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC ​

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo,1566 ​

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937 ​

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC ​

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999 ​

And . . . drum roll . . . . . ​

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -Osama bin Laden, November, 2001 ​

 

Nasty Comment

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace." ​

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. ​

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'" ​

 

lmao those are good man

 

the first time i read that i thought it said "bat fight". imagine how dissapointed i was when i re read it.

 

Retired Joy

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. ​

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. ​

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". ​

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. ​

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. ​

The engineer responded briefly:
- One chalk mark $1
- Knowing where to put it $49,999 ​

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. ​

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he reaches for the beer a 12" man jumps out of the mans pocket and onto the bar and knocks the beer over. The man asks the bartender for another beer and the same thing happens again. After the fourth time the beer was knocked over the curious bar tender asks the guy what the hell is going on. The man explains how he was ship wrecked on an Island and while walking along the beach he found a bottle and when he popped the cork a Genie appeared and granted him 3 wishes. His first wish was to be safely off the Island, his second wish was to have all the money he could ever want or need, and his third wish was....... a 12" prick and thats what the Genie gave him.

 

Oldie but goodie....

A working girl comes home from work, showers, has supper, & is watching TV & kicking back. Suddenly she hears a knock on her door. She goes to the door & asks, "who's there?" A voice says, "My name is Chuck & I want to get fucked." She says, "Okay, here's the deal, I'm gonna slide an envelope undr the door. I need you to put $200 in it & slide it back under." She slides the envelope out, he puts the money in & slides it back. She says, "okay, just a minute..." After five minutes, he figures she's getting ready, but after fifteen minutes, he's knocking again. She asks, "who's there?" Again he says, "My name is Chuck & I want to get fucked!" She asks, "What, again?"

 

Simply put this is about as wrong as they come. But, funny​

What's Going On?

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on. ​

"Listening to music," the guy says. ​

Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?" ​

"Reading a magazine, of course." ​

"How old are you?" asks the officer. ​

"I'm 28." ​

"And how old is she?" ​

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18." ​

 

I'm sure its just a joke. But, it reads like it could be true​

Credit Card

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. ​

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. ​

Here is the exchange : ​

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.' ​

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' ​

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' ​

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' ​

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' ​

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' ​

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' ​

Citibank: 'Excuse me?' ​

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?' ​

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' ​

Supervisor gets on the phone: ​

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.' ​

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' ​

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' ​

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' ​

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) ​

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' ​

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given) ​

After they get the fax : ​

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' ​

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.' ​

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.' ​

(What is wrong with these people?!?) ​

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' ​

Citibank: 'That might help...' ​

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.' ​

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' ​

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???' ​

You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!! ​

 

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

 

Never knew the story behind women till now​

Story of Women

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman. ​

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history... ​