Joke of the Day

Hate Your Job?

Try this... ​

On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand. ​

When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. ​

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement.... ​

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested." ​

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson." ​

 

HA! Good one!

 

A guy is walking along the beach and comes across an old lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie who informs him that he will grant the guy one wish.

The guy pulls out a map of the Middle East, hands it to the genie and says, "How about total peace in this area of the world?"

The genie says, "You know, those people have been fighting for thousands of years and I've been cooped up in this bottle for hundreds of years and am pretty rusty ... can't you come up with something a little easier?

The guy says, "Well, okay, how about a blow job from my wife every night without me having to beg for it?"

The genie thinks for a minute and then says, "Let me see that map again."

 

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... ​

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $250.00 ​

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?" ​

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning." ​

 

How many ADHD Kids does it take to change a light bulb........................You wanna go ride bikes

 

Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:


Chicken McBobbitts


Salmon McNella


Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal


Shirley McLean Burger


McMenudo


Filet o' Gefilte Fish


Way Too Happy Meal


Lion King Hairball Happy Meal


Them Ain't Nuggets!


McKitty Sandwich


Boutrous Boutrous Burger




Rocky Mountain McOysters


McSpleen


The Depressed Meal


Filet O' Flesh


McShrooms


Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal


McTonya Club Sandwich


Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

 

Driver's Licence Answers

• Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
  A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
  
  Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
  A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
  
  Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
  A: Always wear a condom.
  
  Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
  A: Your car.
  
  Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
  A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
  
  Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
  A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
  
  Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
  A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
  
  Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
  A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
  
  Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
  A: The color.
  
  Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
  A: Heavy psychedelics.
  Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
  A: Carry loaded weapons.

 

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ​

He who laughs last, thinks slowest. ​

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. ​

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. ​

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. ​

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. ​

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. ​

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. ​

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ​

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. ​

 

4 men and 1 woman survive a plane crash in the ocean.
They drift to an island where they find shelter, food, and water.
The woman, being the nympho that she is, suggest working out a schedule for sex.
Man 1 gets her the 1st week. Man 2 gets her the 2nd week. Etc . . . .
This works out GREAT for the first couple years and everyone is happy.
And then the woman gets really sick and dies.

The first month is pretty rough.
The 2nd month is even tougher but they manage.
The 3rd month is almost unbearable.




So on the 4th month they buried her.

 

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

 

Ahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

f u connor
i dont suck my thumb anymore

 

McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" ​

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle. ​

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands. ​

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."​

 

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck.

The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

 

hahaaha, +1

 

Groceries

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.)











What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing.​

 

Q: What is the most common thing heard in a car sliding toward a ditch on ice?
A: Oh Sh*t
Q: What is the most common thing heard in a car sliding toward a ditch on ice in PA?
A: Hold my beer and watch this!

 

True story....
A friend of mine was potty training her son and he was to the point where he could go himself usually. As young as he was his vocabulary was not so good yet. One day she heard him screaming and rushed into the bathroom to see what was wrong. He had diarrhea and was yelling "Mommy, my butt threw up!"

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
" What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, " Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, " Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
" Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
" Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
" Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. " Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, " Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
" I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said

" I would have gotten out today."

 

FAA Test

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken. ​