Joke of the Day

Headline Howlers

Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge ​

Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft ​

Kids make Nutritious Snacks ​

Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy ​

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire ​

British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply ​

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood ​

Lansing Residents can Drop off Trees ​

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half ​

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies ​

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing ​

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing ​

Steals Clock, Faces Time ​

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff ​

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni ​

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board ​

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ​

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction ​

Include your Children when Baking Cookies ​

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training ​

 

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet (Northrop Grumman aircraft) which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
~ ~ ~
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi

 

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp

 

uh, yeah, that's why it's in the JOKE thread.

 

Ain't Love Grand

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. ​

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names. ​

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.' ​

 

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard
about people having Guts or Balls, But do you really know the difference between
them?


In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically speaking, there is NO difference in the outcome.


Both result in death.
hahahahaaa "you're next chubby"

 

Kiss the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
​

 

Last night at a restaurant, Jack's friend Harry was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked him if he liked breasts or legs. Harry told her what he really liked was a shaved snatch. Apparently he is no longer welcome back at KFC.

 

A $50 Lesson
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

 

This is just sick, but funny​

The Blue Suit

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. ​

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. ​

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?" ​

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. ​

The wife smiled at the man. ​

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads" ​

 

thats horrible

 

> Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment ? A: It stands between him and the First.

> Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp? A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

> Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama? A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

> Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser.

> Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

> Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer? A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

> Q: What's the difference between a zoo and the White House ? A: A zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin' African.

> Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America !

> Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress? A: An Obama-nation.

> Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler? A: Hitler wrote his own book.

> Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler? A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.

> Q: Why doesn't Obama pray? A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

 

haha

 

cold blooded! hahahaha

 

That one was my personal favorite.

 

OK. I THINK I GET IT

Let me see if I understand all this....

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD
LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE TURKEY BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN PRISON!

BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:

A DRIVERS LICENSE

A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD

WELFARE

FOOD STAMPS

AND, FREE HEALTH CARE?

Oh well sure. That makes perfect sense.

 

Cleveland, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cuyahoga County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

A farmer and had 3 teenage daughters. One night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door and there is a teenage boy standing there. Farmer: Hi. Can I help you? Boy: Yeh... My name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna' see a show, Can she go?

Farmer: Well, of course, but she's not ready yet. You can come in and sit on the sofa and wait. Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later the doorbell rings again. The farmer answers the door, and there's another teenage boy out on the porch. Farmer: Hi, How can I help you?

Boy#2: Hey! My name is Eddie, and I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?

Farmer: No she's not but you can join Joe on the sofa. About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave to go to town. Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something bad happens. When he opens the door, there's another teenage boy standing there and he reeks of booze.

Farmer: Let me guess, you're here to see one of my daughters. Boy#3: Yeah... My name is Chuck.... BOOM!!!

 

I remember some of these.​

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ​

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ​

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign. ​

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ​

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ​

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ​

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas. ​

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ​

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing! it." -- Al Gore, Vice President ​

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle ​

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President ​

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca ​

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. ​

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ​

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ​

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President ​

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP ​

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery ​

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ​

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ​

 

Three labs are sitting in the waiting room of the vet’s office. There is a black lab, a yellow lab, and a chocolate lab. The black lab looks at the yellow lab and says, “So, what are you here for?” The yellow lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig everything. I dig holes in the yard, the sandbox, all over the place. I dig it all, but last night I crossed the line. I dug a big hole in the middle of my master’s favorite chair and now they’re getting me neutered because they think it will calm me down.”
“That’s too bad,” says the black lab, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
He looks at the chocolate lab and asks, “What are you here for?”
The chocolate lab says, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything. I piss on the shrubs, the bushes, the fence. You name it, I piss on it, but last night I crossed the line. I pissed all over my master’s bed. They’re getting me neutered because they think it will calm me down.”
“Tough luck,” says the black lab, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
The yellow lab and the chocolate lab look at each other and then one of them asks the black lab, “So, what are you here for?”
The black lab says, “Well, I’m a humper. I hump everything. I hump stuffed animals, people’s legs, other dogs, I even got the cat once, but last night I crossed the line. I was sitting on the floor of the bathroom while my mistress was in the shower. When she got out of the shower and bend down to pick up her towel I just couldn’t contain myself and I humped the ---- out of her.”
“Oh, man,” the other two dogs said, “you’re getting fixed for sure.”
The black lab casually looked at them and said, “Nah, I’m just here to get my nails clipped