Joke of the Day

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "do whatever you want."

Here I am.

 

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

 

Ten Commandments Sermon

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the Ten Commandments. ​

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it." ​

"You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked. ​

"No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat." ​

 

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'?

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you..?

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that’s in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

Cup of Tea.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

 

Flying Lessons

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. ​

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. ​

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. ​

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." ​

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." ​

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" ​

 

.

 

Good Advice from Maxine

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. ​

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. ​

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet. ​

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. ​

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. ​

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. ​

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? ​

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. ​

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. ​

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. ​

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. ​

 

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit
more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

 

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you!

 

This ones short but good

Check Out

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So, which six items would you like to buy?' ​

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?! ​

 

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

Dear Employee

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SH*T). We take pride in the amount of SH*T our employees receive. We have given our employees more SH*T than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SH*T on the job, see your immediate manager.

Your manager is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SH*T you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us. ​

 

^^^^ lmfao thats funny

 

Very nice.

 

moonbuggy.. = greatest site since TW

 

Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! ​

NAME: Greg Bulmash. ​

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. ​

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. ​

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. ​

EDUCATION: Yes. ​

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. ​

SALARY: Less than I'm worth. ​

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. ​

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. ​

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. ​

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. ​

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? ​

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? ​

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" ​

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. ​

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. ​

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. ​

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. ​

SIGN HERE: Aries. ​

 

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"