Joke of the Day

Hotel Room Charges

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. ​

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. ​

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. ​

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. ​

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. ​

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." ​

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." ​

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. ​

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."​

 

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

Hope I dont get this bad​

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said. ​

"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied. ​

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman. ​

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast." ​

 

This ones good​

Redneck's 12 Children

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has? ​

"Ten boys." ​

"And their names?" ​

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." ​

"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?" ​

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'" ​

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" ​

"Then I calls him by his last name." ​

 

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

 

Cigarettes

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. ​

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" ​

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." ​

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" ​

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!" ​

 

Q: Did you hear Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?


A: It's for dickheads!

 

How to Simulate Being A Sailor

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and
live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed
on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the
middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to

​

chest level. When you take showers, make sure
you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.


6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf
blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's


house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and
reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your
front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your

​

head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.


10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your
water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.


On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water
heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family
they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling,
so you can't turn over without getting out and then

getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the
closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open

the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine

a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance
in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician,

etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500,
blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout

"Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything
she's going to do the following day, then have her make

you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law
requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep
the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

"Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship

a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all sh**cans and butt kits!")


18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a
month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every

5th item before delivering the rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle
of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch,

then show a different one-- the same one every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room
with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general

quarters! All hands man your battle stations!)

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time
without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your
family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make

them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the

kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have

dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu
and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the
cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a
peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during
the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you

can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck

your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard

and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the
pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your

family members on how fast they respond.


27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head,
but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck

on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the

paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so,

speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the
headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to
bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence
throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler

crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly
announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire
in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have
your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals.

Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your
area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress

on his back, strap yourself to it. Then, turn him loose in a barn

for six hours filled with snakes and try to sleep. Then get up

and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into
the living room, and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced
coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours

before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a
haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.


36. Add 1/3 cup of Diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water
meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and

go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down,
trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then

walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six
weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll

take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th

week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled

because they need to get ready for an inspection, and
it will be another week before they can leave the
house.

 

I've seen this one before (Not on here) but its still good​

The Bear

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. ​

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. ​

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" ​

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!" ​

 

The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job. ​

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. ​

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. ​

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. ​

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other. ​

 

I've not seen this one before, pretty good​

New Quarters Recalled

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. ​

"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices". ​

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. ​

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices." ​

 

i got this new deodorant today.

the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

i can barely walk, but whenever i fart, the room smells awesome!

 

Subject: Long Distance Charges

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied,

"Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

 

got this in a text earlier today.
shot my first turkey yesterday.....it scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen
food section....it was awesome.

 

While looking at the place mat at a Chinese restaurant I noticed the
following:

Six years ago: Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease.

Three years ago: Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu.

This year: Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu.

Next year: Chinese calendar year of the cock... Anybody else worried?

 

An old man, Mr Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy
asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died
today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the
hall
like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.


"Well," he ! replied. "Today's the viewing.

 

Haha... This is hilarious...

 

oh shit

 

Hahah - that is hilarious!

 

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely
bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."