Joke of the Day

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get
another dog??


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away..


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

WHEN LOVE FADES.......

I was sitting
on the sofa watching TV when I heard my
wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, Hon?
Chicken or beef?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have
beef."

She yelled, "Fuck you.
You're having soup. I was talking to the
dog."

 

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is

stumbling Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and

approaches,"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw

it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man

replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener

hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing

yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

missing a beat, blurts out....



"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

 

great reply.

You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here.'

 

It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to
pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!


Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly. but put me down for a 5."


Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.


What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.....


What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing


Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldnt decide between a wood and an iron

 

So what have we learned in 2,064 years?
.....................................................................................................
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should
be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands
should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt.
People must again learn to work, instead of living on
public assistance."
Cicero - 55 BC
.....................................................................................................
Evidently nothing!

 

A blond drops off a shirt at the cleaners...



On the way out the door,
the lady at the counter says " Come Again"...






The blond says:

"no its toothpaste this time you nosy bitch".

 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Mad cow.

Mad c...

MOO!!!

 

A: Lays

A: Cheat-Hos

 

THE COYOTE PROBLEM: a true story

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again.Thus the population would be controlled. No kidding, this was actually proposed to the
Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the
Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.

The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumfound silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem.
Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!' You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.

 

Early Dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first, and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

^^^

 

How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?






Snow balls

 

A Man Goes To The dentist



The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house ​

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse. ​

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, ​

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry. ​

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed. ​

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed. ​

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, ​

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story. ​

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, ​

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news. ​

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, ​

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts. ​

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin', ​

Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden. ​

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, ​

"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid." ​

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer, ​

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year!​

 

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over and touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,

'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.........

 

This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan.
>>Try it without looking at the answers. It works!
> >
> >
> >
> > Pick a number from 1 - 9.
> >
> > Multiply by 3.
> >
> > Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
> >
> > You will get your answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.
> >
> > Good Luck !
> >
> >
> > > >
> >
> >
> >

















> >
> > The answer is:
> > 1. Gone with the wind.
> > 2. Aliens.
> > 3. Oliver
> > 4. Star Wars
> > 5. Forrest Gump.
> > 6. Saving Private Ryan.
> > 7. Jaws.
> > 8. Grease.
> > 9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay midgits.
> > 10. Mary Poppins.
> >
> >

 

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'


Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

Haha... That's a good one

 

Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. The teacher noticed that little Ricky was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money.'The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Ricky aside to ask him,'Is that really true about your father?' 'No,' said Ricky, 'He plays for the REDSKINS, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!