Joke of the Day

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

TAMPAX has announced they will be taking the strings off tampons and replacing them with tinsel. This is for the Christmas period only.

 

I Should have tried this when I got divorced




A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

 

Dont know how true it is. Still kinda funny though



Subject: Company Memo-PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY THRU


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,


Patty

________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE:
December 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.


We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will
be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: December 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

 

*THE BAGPIPER’s TALE; a Personal Testimony*

As a bagpiper, I’m often called upon to play at weddings, military events,
and funerals. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave
side service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so

the service was set at the county pauper’s cemetery in the Illinois back woods.


I was not familiar with the backwoods and soon found myself lost. Being a
typical man I didn’t stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late – the staff from the funeral home was long gone and the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know

what else to do, so I started to play….

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve
never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.


They wept. I wept. We all wept together.


When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low my heart was full..

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen
nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty
years.”

 

..

 

MY DOG
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
She has her food prepared for her.
She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.
Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.
If she make a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like royalty, and have absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy S#!t, my dog is a democrat!

 

fact of life.... after monday and tuesday, even a calander says W T F

 

The object of the game is to destroy American capitalism
by having the government take over everything!

Wanna play?
No???
Too bad, you're already playing....

 

You know, there's a common theme with some of the jokes that you post. I can't quite put my finger on it though

 

They are all really funny??

 

Joe Farmer

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Joe.

 

this is true . they are funny ass hell considering i dont like the communist prick

 

Zing!

 

Ear Hair

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. ​

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. ​

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." ​

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." ​

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." ​

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.." ​

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week." ​

 

[FONT=&quot]The Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

DID YOU KNOW...


An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which
I quote: "If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000
troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the past 22 months, and a
total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000
soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws
in the US , than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: "The US should pull out of Washington ."