Joke of the Day

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy a half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a$$hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No $hit replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."



The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm..



When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"



She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"



"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

LMAO !

 

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

[FONT=&quot]Thought for the week:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[FONT=&quot]After Monday and Tuesday …
[FONT=&quot]even the calendar says W T F. [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]

 

Nice!

 

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

 

Little Tony was 8 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days..
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

 

Dont know if its true, but it is funny​

Neil Armstrong Secret Revealed...

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon. ​

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, 'that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,' Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions. ​

But Just Before He Re-entered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.' ​

Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs. ​

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky'... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled. ​

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26 Year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Now Answer The Question. ​

In 1938, When Neil Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By Their Bedroom Window. ​

His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. ​

As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky. 'sex, You Want Sex Now??!!' ​

You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!' ​

True Story ​

 

Or...............No that's mayonaise! I just ate a sandwich!

 

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that
she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34..50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34..50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

 

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp

 

actually, he said "one small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind"

its hard to hear the "a"

 

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his boots off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines boot and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other boot and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in Cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

 

Hilarious!

 

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV
program about psychology and explaining the
phenomenon of "mixed emotions".


The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey,
that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything that will make me happy and angry at the
same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the
biggest penis."

 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,

‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’ The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.'

The woodpecker continued... 'It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.’

 

Monkey and the Cue Ball---a Classic A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender says "hey you cant bring pets in here!" The man replies "dont worry, he's trained. He wont mess anything up." The bartender agrees to let the man and his monkey in. While the man sits down, the monkey hops on the bar and eats a cherry, then jumps on the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. Furious, the bartender says "get your monkey out of here! I cant have him eating things like that."

A few days later, the man enters the bar again with the monkey on his shoulder. "Didn't i tell you to get that monkey out of here?" The bartender asks. "Its okay," the man says. He wont do it again. The monkey hops on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt, pulls it out, then eats it. "What the hell is he doing?" asks the bartender.
"Measuring." the man replies. "he learned his lesson with the cue ball"

 

So this ol' boy goes to the doc for his annual physical. After a couple hours of being poked, prodded and turned, he's exhausted when the doc leaves the room, telling him he can get dressed. After a while the doc returns, saying "Well, there's good news and bad news. Which would you like first." The guy thinks for a minute, and says "Doc, after this ordeal I need some good news." Doc looks at him and says "Well, since your last visit, your penis length has increased 3 inches." The guy is estatic...grinning from ear to ear. "That's great Doc...hell I can handle anything now, what's the bad news?" Doc looked over his chart and says "It's malignant."

 

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
- Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky , age 10