Joke of the Day

^^^ Cute as F'ing hell. But, where's the joke?

 

During a recent password audit at our company, it was found that a blond
> receptionist was using the following password:
>
> "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento."
>
> When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that
> it
> had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how
he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

 

^Awesome!

 

PSALM 2010
Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog .....
And Obama was a tree.​

 

Nearing the end of another long day standing by the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was exhausted. He turned to the long line of the recently departed and yelled through his bull horn "I don't have much time, so if your death wasn't tragic, you'll be waiting until tomorrow." A gentleman stepped forward and said "My death was tragic. I was exercising on the balcony of my 5th floor apartment when I became light-headed lost my balance and fell over the edge. Luckily, I was able to grab the rail of the apartment below me and held on for quite a while, but an enraged man came and began cursing me, picked up a hammer, broke my fingers and I fell. However, the bushes broke my fall and I thought I was all safe until I looked up and here came a refridgerator that lands on and kills me instantly." St. Peter just looks at him and says "Go ahead."
The second gentleman steps forward and begins "I had suspicions that my wife was cheating. So I came home early one day and she was naked and had perfume on. I knew that SOB was in the house somewhere. So I searched and searched. Under the bed, in the closet, everywhere. Finally, I walked out on the balcony of our apartment and there he was clinging to the railing. I broke his fingers with a hammer so that he would fall. Sure enough he did, but the bushes broke his fall. I run back in the house and get the fridge, push it through the kitchen, out the balcony and on to of that SOB. Unfortunately, I strained myself, had a heart attack and here I am." St. Peter just says "Go ahead."
Third guy walks up. St. Peter says to him "It better be a tragic death. Those two before you have set the bar high." The guy says "Okay. If you can just imagine - I'm huddled inside a refridgerator naked..."

 

A lady walks up to a pharmacist and says "I need some poison." The pharmacist asks for what. The lady begins to tell him that she had been married for years, had been faithful and loving to her husband, but she began to have suspicions that he was cheating on her. So she hired a private investigator to follow and photo her husband in the act. The longer she talked, the more frantic and emotional she became. The pharmacist explains that he can't sell her poison for the purposes of killing her husband. The lady pulls out one of the pictures of her husband in the act with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacists looks at the picture surprisingly and tells the lady "Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

That rocks!!

 

Little old lady is sitting on her front porch swing with her boyfriend by her side and her poodle in his lap. They talk about the good ol' days. Suddenly, her boyfriend feels some gas coming on. He passes it as quietly as he can while he tries to talk loud to cover it up. The lady gets a whiff and shouts at her poodle "Maggie, get down!". The old man feels relief and thinks to himself "Good thing the dog was here." They continue their conversation and a few minutes later the poodle comes back and jumps up onto the gentleman's lap. Sure enough, the old man feels more gas coming on and passes it as quietly as he can while he musters up a fake sneeze. The lady yells at the dog again "Get down from here right this instant!". The old man thinks to himself "She thinks it's the dog! I'm so lucky!". The dog comes back in a few more minutes and jumps up in their laps. The gentleman has to pass more gas. The little old lady sniffs it again and shouts "Maggie, get back in that house! He's going to shit all over you!"

 

A man is driving a car an hits a woman. Who is at fault?

The man. What was he doing driving in the kitchen?

 

An old farmer had been in the hospital a few days. His issues had been resolved and the hospital was getting ready to discharge him. A young nurse who had been treating the farmer walked in to his room and said "Okay Mr. Brown, we're just about ready to get you out of here. I just need a sample of urine before you leave." A slight grin came across the old man's face and he said "Well, I wasn't going to say anything. But I've been wanting a sample of your'n too."

 

The
Mans poem is funny



























A
WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to
sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and
strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be
annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand..
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.









A
MAN'S POEM:

I pray
for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with a small
butt,
36DD's;
who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a
shit.


The End

 

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.






"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

 

Sign over a gynecologist's office
"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels." (read it again)
**************************
On a septic tank truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "
************************
On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a church's billboard:
"Seven days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
******** ******************
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
*************************
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
*************************
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
*************************
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a propane filling station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another
septic tank truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

 

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal, I told her. 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

 

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

 

> Two blondes
> living in Oklahoma were sitting> on a bench talking,
> and one blonde says to the other,"Which do you
> think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
> The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

> CAR
> TROUBLE>
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas
> station. She tells the mechanic it died.
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> She says, "What's the story?"
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
>
>
> THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE>
> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
> doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever
> she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her
> left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow
> and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
> The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead,are you? Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
>
KNITTING
> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
> "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
>
>
>
> BLONDE
> ON THE SUN>
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
> said, "We were the first in space!"
> The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
> The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
> The Russian and the American looked at each
> other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.. We're going at night!"
>
>
> IN A VACUUM
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one
> night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she
> landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
> you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
> She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
>

> FINALLY,
> THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE> JOKES!
>
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
> dogs, and asked her what their> names were. The blonde
> responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
> named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
>
> "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

 

Got to love email
The Black Bra
(told by a woman)

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress and I have been married for twenty plus years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto
heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only a black bra, heels and a mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing a black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes..

When he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'.