Joke of the Day

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains . "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?"

"No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud" "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priest. "Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over the Rockies , flying with the eagles.

But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Nebraska.

 

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . ..


Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every
time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling
with it. Just gargle and gargle".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home
drunk I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened.
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

 

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.


#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.


#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space..


#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.



#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"


#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

 

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming
or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
'OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know
shit?

 

ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , the man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

"We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."
The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and six good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie said, "We're gonna’ pull her up again tomorrow."

 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal-


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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - US.Air Force Manual -


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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur -


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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.-


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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-


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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' -Infantry Journal -


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The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. -Basic Flight Training Manual-


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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - Maritime Ops Manual -


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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit-


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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' -USAF Ammo Troop-


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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-


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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' -Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-


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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' -Unknown Author-


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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-


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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-


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'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.' -Unknown Author-


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'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot.' -Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot-


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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' -Sign over Control Tower Door-


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'Never trade luck for skill.' -Author Unknown-


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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' or (appended from the Arkansas Air National Guard):"Hold my beer and watch this!" -Authors Unknown-


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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-


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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!' - Unknown Author -


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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' - Emergency Checklist-


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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -


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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' -Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-


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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' - Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-


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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -


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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

 

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

And I've changed my will three times!'

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

The doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,




And so we decided to get married.




There was only one little thing bothering me....




It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,




And generally was bra-less.




She would regularly bend down when she was near me,




And I always got more than a nice view.




It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over;

To check the wedding invitations.




She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome...
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.




I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.




I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low... and behold,




my entire future family was standing outside,




All clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said;

We are very happy that you have passed our little test.




We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.




Welcome to the family.

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

Interesting perspective!

I'm sure most of us have read the so called comparison of Lincoln and Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and Lincoln....... You might be surprised.

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and B. H. Obama:


1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used
the same Bible..

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois ..

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President... Obama had very little experience before becoming President..

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration..

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States .. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer

11. Lincoln saved the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

^^^^^

 

Is this gonna make you a racist?
Take care
vbibi

 

A guy wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there....

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go..

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents face.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the dishes!'

 

^Winner right there! Awesome job!

Edit - Fuck it, that's rep worthy!

 

Thanks SJ

 

sarcasm at its finest. Tigerfan is at it again.

 

ah ha ha ha ha aha ha ha ha ha