Joke of the Day

Laughing my ass off...........hahahaha...

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing his show. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to personally apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap!'

 

Grandpa and the IRS...


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

 

A couple was celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap Bastards at that."

 

Full View Fw: ADULTS ONLY!! HANGOVER FINALISTS (HALL OF FAME) TOTALLY WASTED


From:Sharon J. Robinson <gsrobinson@jps.net>

View ContactTo:Doug <lildougy@dslextreme.com>; Scott Dalzel <scottncheryl0672@att.net>; Larry <igit@pacific.net>; Mark Oakley <maoakley@comcast.net>; randy edgar <randy.edgar@motion-ind.com>; Dan Ottolini <ottolini.daniel@att.net>; Jeff <twomey.jeff@gmail.com>... more


#cg_msg_content DIV {MARGIN:0px;}
----- Original Message ----- From: Dondi Miller
To: Bruce Smith ; Edmund Bridges ; Charlie Everson ; Cheyenne Schrader ; christensen james ; john luque ; Doug ; gsrobinson@jps.net ; kevin guess ; jimmy hanrahan ; Jeff ; nate langton ; Sabrena Miller
Sent: Tuesday, March 02, 2010 8:21 PM
Subject: Fw: ADULTS ONLY!! HANGOVER FINALISTS (HALL OF FAME) TOTALLY WASTED






----- Forwarded Message ----
From: shannon schmidt <shanlsch@yahoo.com>
To: autry dean <autrydean@yahoo.com>; brother <scott.g.abbott@navy.mil>; dondi miller <dmiller_5454@yahoo.com>; jesse <jfracchia13@yahoo.com>; shelley <sacton@fslaw.us>
Sent: Tue, March 2, 2010 10:20:07 AM
Subject: ADULTS ONLY!! HANGOVER FINALISTS (HALL OF FAME) TOTALLY WASTED

Hangover Finalists

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And the winner is











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Did my pics not show up? I have them on My computer so it is hard to tell if they dont show up.

 

Not workin here.

 

Damn Sorry I got them from an Email. How do you copy from an email and transfer them to here?

 

Women's Rights

 

Forget it. The joke is you failed.

 

Ey! Stik 2 ur grammar and speellling. Women's rightzzzz hu carez?

Just kidding

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife,'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back
fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't
know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

 

(Got this in my email... VERY funny!!)

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the companyt to order the 7-day, 20 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I can catch you, you're mine.' He lost 33 pounds that week.

 

A man was touring an Indian reservation in the southwest while doing research for a book on Native American traditions. He hired a guide to show him around and explain the various events he witnessed.

About mid morning, they happened across a tribesman lying on his back on the ground, naked with a very noticable erection. The man asked the guide, "What in the world is he doing?" The guide responded, "He tell time. Use funstick for sun dial." "It 10:00 o'clock." After taking notes for his book the researcher suggested they continued on with the tour.

Awhile later they ran across another man telling time in the same odd way. The man asked the guide, "So, what time is it now?" To which the guide responded, "Um, it 2:30." Moving on the man recorded many more odd but interesting methods the Native Americans used to perform mundane tasks. Some time later they came upon a naked brave, lying on his back, feverishly stroking his member. "Oh my gosh!" the researcher exclaimed. "What is that man doing?" The guide stated, matter of factly, "Him winding watch."

 

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'No, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

-- From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer inWichita , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



How would you pronounce this child's name – “Le-a?”

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, MO. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha.” When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent."

SO…if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us .... and they

 

My New Truck

.
​

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche​

And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.​

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.​

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.​

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'​

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'​

Came from the speakers.​

Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant​

' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,​

Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'​

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,​

'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.​

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light​

And nearly creamed my new truck,​

But I swerved in time to avoid him.​

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'​

Immediately the radio responded with,​

"Ladies and gentlemen,​

The President of The​

United States​

Damn I love this truck....​

 

**Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. **

**He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance. **

**The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi. **

**How might I help you?" **

**"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" **

**Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" ***
****** ***There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. **

**Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, _
but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."_***

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter"What are you doing?"She asked."Hunting Flies"He responded."Oh! Killing any?" She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked."How can you tell them apart?" He responded,"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.

 

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I Bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings...

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is Barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"