Joke of the Day

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold ? No one has ever done it before !'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'

 

A New Jersey Love Story

A young woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic
Ocean .

She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.'


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

>From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.. "

I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is', the Captain said. 'This is the Cape May Ferry!'

 

Hurts to think about this one​

Pile Up

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.......your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." ​

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." ​

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But, this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." ​

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" ​

"Yes I have," says the man. ​

"And has she helped you make a decision?" ​

"Yes" says the man. ​

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. ​

"We're getting granite countertops." ​

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

Biker chili

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in
Sturgis , SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with
his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen
minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely
asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The
old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young
pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny
new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place
and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was
very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the
bowl. The old biker quietly says, "Same thing happened to me.

 

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

 

A teacher began to teach her students to identify the flavors of candy by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

 

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY




Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a
sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must
commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all
American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help
weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is
recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to
position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are
not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other
than their wives and to show support for all American women. Since Islam
also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further
proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your
efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this
anti-terrorist activity.

 

This ones good​

Deeply Profound Thoughts by Men.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. ​

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' ​

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.' ​

 

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

 

^

 

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010 ​

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted. ​

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ​

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. ​

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks. ​

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. ​

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. ​

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ​

Number 3
Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00? ​

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. ​

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010 ​

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers:
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow! ​

 

What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? Bo has papers. -Jimmy Kimmel

 

REDNECK FARM KID in the Marine Corps




















































Dear Ma and Pa,

























I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

























I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

























Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

























We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

























The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

























This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. Al l you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

























Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

























Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

























Your loving daughter,

























Alice

 

LOL, awesome!

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.

'Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.''Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?
''Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!''Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.

''Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.''She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look''Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.

'Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?''It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.''Tripod?''Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'Mrs. Smith fainted

 

9 Months Later!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. ​

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. ​

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' ​

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. ​

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. ​

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. ​

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' ​

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. ​

'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' ​

'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' ​

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' ​

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' ​

'She just died and left me everything.' ​

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? you know you smiled...​

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.