Joke of the Day

Little Johnny

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one. by one. "Peter, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. ​

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" ​

"What about you Michael, how would you say it?" ​

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." ​

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" ​

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper." ​

 

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?































The position of the dirt bag.

 

Miranda Rights

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent Anything you say can and will be held against you." ​

The drunk replies, "Tits" ​

 

The Test Drive

I went out shopping yesterday for a new ride. Just for fun, I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive.
I wanted to sense that Escalade "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman drove at first, and sat there in the driver’s seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car.
I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up my ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership...

 

The Cork
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in
his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck
in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over
an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an
American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?" God Bless America

 

THE 2010 FEDERAL CENSUS FOR THE SOUTH

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse's Name:______________________

3rd Spouse's Name:______________________

Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name: _______________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 197_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red Man
(_)Yankee Girl
(_)Beechnut

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

 

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages,
as we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is The beer, The bitter, The lager.

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

 

I've seen this one before, but its still good​

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. ​

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. ​

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. ​

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. ​

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' ​

That's when she shot him. ​

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. ​

 

A $50.00 Lesson


I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow, what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

 

One of my favorite jokes.

 

Potential Bumper Stickers
1. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
2. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
3. The proctologist called...they found your head.
4. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
5. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
7. I used to have a handle on life...but now it is broken.
8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Hang up and drive.
10. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
11. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
13. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small to be out by itself.
14. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
15. Don't like my driving...Then quit watching me.
16. Guys...just because you have one...doesn't mean you have to be one.
17. Welcome to America...Now speak English

 

Who knows if this is true, but it sure is funny.​

The Rumor

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor. ​

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?" ​

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." ​

"Test of Three?" ​

"That's correct," Socrates continued. ​

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" ​

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it." ​

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" ​

"No, on the contrary..." ​

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" ​

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" ​

"No, not really..." ​

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" ​

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. ​

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. ​

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.​

 

Okay, I laughed pretty hard on that one.

 

This ones pretty good​

Insuring a Wooden Leg

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas Was $2000.00 a year! ​

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg. ​

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.' ​

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Texas! ​

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00. ​

 

Leather Dresses​

didn't know this, but it makes sense!!! ​

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ​

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally??? ​

Ever wonder why? ​

It's because she smells like a new golf bag. ​

 

Think I'm gonna try this next time I go to the casino​

Gambling Problem

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." ​

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?" ​

 

MAN TEST!

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...f@ggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer--it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself , has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster tails, pickled pigs feet, or tits.
Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a f@g.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a Parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as tinkerbell. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

 

I agree with all of the above except #6. I need to know colors like Chartreuse, fire tiger, pumpkin seed, and such for fishing. A MAN sport.

 

x2

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."