Joke of the Day

A young Chinese couple that worked at a chinese takeaway gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.


'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..


A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'


More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her......


'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

 

I agree!

 

For decades pundits have been saying that the New Orleans Saints were so bad at playing football that Hell would freeze over if the Saints would ever win The Super Bowl.

On Sunday, February 7, 2010 the Saints won the Super Bowl.
On that same Sunday Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of snow and the Government was shut down.

Do you think this indicates the actual location of Hell?

 

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there...'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir..'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to get'r done).

 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex .... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,"Why do you love doing that?"

"Because" .... she Replied ...




"I Really Miss Mine!"

 

Fred and Larry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and...... I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

 

Ya damn right​

Texas Gun Logic

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse . She had her hand on her gun when he grabbed the purse, and she was left with the revolver in her hand. ​

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away she replied under oath: ​

"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click." ​

She was acquitted of all charges...... That's the way it is in Texas! ​

 

So this family is at a restaurant and a child at the table is playing with the change on the table. Without any warning the child takes a handful of nickles and swallows about 3 of them.

Of course the child starts turning blue and the father starts freaking out. He remembers something of first aid and starts pounding on the child's back.

*COUGH* one nickle comes up. *Cough* another nickle, but no matter how hard the father smacks, the other one doesn't come up. Now he really starts panicking.

Across the room a very clean cut woman with a bunch of important papers and sees what's happening. Very calmly, she stands up, neatly arranges her papers on the desk and straightens her impeccable suit. Smartly she walks over and says to the father "I've had some experience in this sort of thing, would you mind if I offered my assistance?"
The father, sweating says "Yes of course please help my son if you can!".

The woman, without another word, moves precisely behind the child and with him standing, grabs his belt and drops the boys pants and boxers. She reaches down between his legs and grabs his still forming man parts and begins to squeeze.

As she does so the boys eyes bulge and with a *POP* the coin flies straight into the air and with a swift grab the woman snatches it out of the air.

Amazed the father turns to the woman, "My god you've saved him! I've never see that technique before. You must be some amazing doctor, a trauma nurse or very experienced medic!"

She turns to him and says "Nope...I work for the IRS".

 

SURVIVOR .... Montana Style
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Montana
is planning to do its own, titled 'Survivor -Montana Style.'
The contestants will start in Helena , travel over to Billings and Lewistown .
Then, they will head northwest to Missoula then up to Kalispell.
From there they will proceed west to Libby and Troy. Then final leg will be back to Helena !
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a
HUGE bumper sticker that reads: I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is
harmful to your health. Republicans suck. Obama is God.
Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns.'
The first one that makes it back to Helena alive wins..

 

whys it gotta be a volvo should be a prius

 

Yup, a Prius would be a better fit.

 

A pink VW Vanagon would work best.



Not pink, but you get the idea.

 

Actually a Subaru Forester is the hated vehicle up there.

 

The School Report​

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He
slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I
allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It
was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of
Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and
66 other early Americans unleashed
their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and
said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

This past year you've taken away my favorite actor, Patrick
Swayze... my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett... my favorite singer,
Michael Jackson.... and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays....

I just wanted to let you know that Obama is my favorite president.

Amen

 

Dear Employees,

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that
Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees
will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by
about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the
dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our
employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family
here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and
found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have
decided these folks will be the ones to let go.
I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They
voted for change...I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

 

Phone Call

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. ​

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. ​

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. ​

Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. ​

When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. ​

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. ​

When she's finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. ​

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. ​

When he's finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime. ​

Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. ​

The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call." ​

 

You stupid bas####, You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated a-hole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra's speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a dispicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.

~Tiger Woods