Joke of the Day

I dont know, but it is well written​

Now You Know

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. ​

The four brothers walked into Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. ​

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. ​

Henry got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. ​

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. ​

Now Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. ​

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls. So, now you know... ​

 

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? ​

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? ​

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars , but check when you say the paint is wet? ​

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? ​

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? ​

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? ​

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ​

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? ​

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? ​

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? ​

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? ​

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? ​

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? ​

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? ​

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? ​

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going !' ​

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? ​

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? ​

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? ​

And my FAVORITE...... ​

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. ​

 

Holy Email

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. ​

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. ​

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' ​

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' ​

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. ​

Do you know what the e-mail said? ​

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either. ​

 

I know I've seen this one before, hope it wasnt here. Even if it was its worth reading again. Funny​

Car Accident

I rear-ended a car this morning. ​

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. ​

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? ​

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! ​

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' ​

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' ​

 

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man insisted that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into
the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a
head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing
right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are
you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

 

The last one is the best​

Dear Landlord

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: ​

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. ​

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. ​

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. ​

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother. ​

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. ​

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. ​

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. ​

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. ​

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. ​

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. ​

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. ​

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. ​

 

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." It is
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado as an
actual class assignment:



A Creative Writing professor told his class one day: "Today we will
experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple.
Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to his or her desk.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to
me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
back-and-forth.

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:


THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Bill )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

( Bill )

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Bill )

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. " Oh, shall I
have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh
no,
what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo. I guess I've read too many
Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A$$h@le.

( Bill )

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

( Bill )

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.


(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

 

i've read this many times before and it never ever gets old.

 

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ​

He who laughs last, thinks slowest. ​

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. ​

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. ​

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. ​

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. ​

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. ​

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. ​

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ​

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. ​

 

Haha... Thanks for the laugh!

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees...Ees....Ees....Ees....Ees a ham bush...."

 

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "and you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father, answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

 

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, she saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better healthcare plan."

 

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't...

But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

 

Careful

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband . ​

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" ​

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" ​

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ​

 

Hilarious - and soooo true!

 

# 16 is the way I live​

Men's Rules

1. Men are NOT mind readers. ​

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. ​

3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. ​

4. Crying is blackmail. ​

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! ​

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. ​

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. ​

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. ​

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. ​

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ​

11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. ​

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. ​

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. ​

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. ​

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. ​

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.. ​

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. ​

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really. ​

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or tanks. ​

20. You have enough clothes. ​

21. You have too many shoes. ​

22.Every dish can be improved with bacon. ​

23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room." ​

24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds. ​

25.No talking at the urinal. ​

26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers. ​

27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess." ​

28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual. ​

29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person. ​

30.Real men don't dance. ​

 

my new favorite quote

 

HER DIARY:


Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:


My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

 

definitely live by #5 and #16! i hate when they tell you one thing but they mean another. and when they get mad because you didnt get the "hint", i just lose it lol