Joke of the Day

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only1,000.Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by theBMWdealershipand saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '90,000'




MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go theextra 50 thousand if it's really apretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment,mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

 

OMG lol, almost fell out of my chair.

 

^^^lmfao aint that the truth!

 

I've seen this one before​

Tanjooberrymutts

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ​

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ... ​

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees." ​

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." ​

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???" ​

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs." ​

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?" ​

Guest: ".....What??" ​

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?" ​

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please." ​

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?" ​

Guest: "Crisp will be fine." ​

Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?" ​

Guest: "What?" ​

Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?" ​

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.." ​

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???" ​

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means." ​

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?" ​

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." ​

RoomService: "We botter?" ​

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side." ​

RoomService: "Wad?!?" ​

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side." ​

RoomService: "Copy?" ​

Guest: "Excuse me?" ​

RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?" ​

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything." ​

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??" ​

Guest: "Whatever you say." ​

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts." ​

Guest: "You're welcome" ​

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ​

 

hahaha^^^^

 

idiot sighting…
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee-A?? NOPE
Lay-a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha", when the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us.... And they VOTE and REPRODUCE

 

Unfortunately

 

Air Force General: Mr. President, we've just invented an invisibility cloak for Air Force One.


Obama: No shittin' me?


General: That's right, sir. Will you be going along on its maiden flight?


Obama: Wouldn't miss it for the world.


General: Have a good trip, sir.

 

^^ AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA Great jokes on this page!

 

Red X .. :-(

 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.



It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.



One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.



He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.



As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.



He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.



One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'



The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. '



Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alli gator .'



Some old men can still think fast.

 

Short, but funny​

Pack Your Bags

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery! ​

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains? ​

He says, "I don't care. Just get out." ​

 

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,

and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor

not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey

and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...

even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

Joke was nominated for best joke of the year.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I'm sorry, I'm not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks a little farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand
and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man:
You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied.'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

 

Beer in the News

Yesterday, University scientists in the UK released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should now take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, ​

100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: ​

1) Gained weight. ​

2) Talked excessively without making sense. ​

3) Became overly emotional. ​

4) Couldn't drive. ​

5) Failed to think rationally. ​

6) Argued over nothing. ​

7) Had to sit down while urinating. ​

8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. ​

No further testing was considered necessary. ​

 

Confucius say: Woman who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

 

Funny​

Where are the Real Men?

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" ​

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. ​

Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time. ​

..No one moves. ​

..He removes his shirt. ​

..Muscles ripple across his chest. ​

..She gasps... ​

..He whispers: ​

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...." ​

 

^^^haha thats hilarious