Joke of the Day

I GUESS IT ISN'T SERIOUS!
​

ARIZONA POLL

The latest telephone poll taken by the Arizona Governor's Office asked whether people who live in Arizona think illegal immigration is a serious problem?

29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa aqui."










​

 

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the
ground. They approach it and are amazed by
the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I
can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile
transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and
see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and
count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.


They are standing there listening and looking
over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind
them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing
through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and
jumps in head first!

While they are standing
there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to
figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.


"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't
happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"


The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out
of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped
headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a
transmission!"

 

> > > After an exciting, erotic, sexual 69 with his girlfriend, Paul
> > > remembered he had a dental appointment in one hour.
> > >
> > > Paul was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so
> > > he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times, and gargled
>
> > > with 2 liters of Listerine.
> > >
> > > Before he arrived at the dentist's office,he had been sucking on a
> > > roll of strong mints just to make SURE!!!
> > >
> > > Paul's turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat.
> > > Feeling very confident and relaxed, Paul opened his mouth wide.
> > >
> > > When the dentist got close enough he asked with a crooked look on
> > > his face
> > >
> > > "Wooooh Holy Mackerel Paul...did you HAVE to do a '69' before your
> > > appointment?!"
> > >
> > > Paul asked in total amazement"Are you kiddin' me?!! Why?!! Does my
> > > breath smell like pussy?!"
> > >
> > > The dentist replied, "No but your forehead smells like Sh*t!..."

 

Lmao!

 

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

 

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

 

Hahaha! Those are great!

 

Those are funny as hell

 

FIXED!!!! This is much more accurate.

 

Think about this:
>
> 1. The Cows
>
>
> 2. The Constitution
>
>
> 3. The Ten Commandments
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> THE COWS
>
>
> Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
>that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track
>a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right
>to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ?
>And, they tracked her calves to their stalls ... But they are
>unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
>our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow...
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> THE CONSTITUTION
>
>
> They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
>Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was
>written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
>over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
>
>
> The real reason that we can't have the Ten
>Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this --
>you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou
>Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not
>Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and
>politicians .... it creates a hostile work environment.

 

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In
Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same
one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz
he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand
to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice
either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in
one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots
the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, she sets it on the bar
and calls for a refill. She says, 'In Arizona, we have so many
illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Arizona !!

 

I love those Arizona girls

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please..'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

 

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by Gov. Jan Brewer, and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . .. . and -- PING! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish.. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans . . and -- PING ! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said "Tough Shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

And she disappeared!!

 

A golf pro was in Japan for a tournament. The night before the tournament, with time to kill, he decided to find Japanese hooker. Wanting to prove that Americans have great sexual virility, he proceeds to bang her like there will be no tomorrow. She begins to scream 'Yoshimoto, yoshimoto'. Not being able to understand a word of Japanese, he figures this must mean great job as he's banging her for all he's worth. 'Yoshimoto, yoshimoto'. The next day at the tournament, the golf pro makes a hole in one. Remembering her cries of pleasure from the night before, he yells out 'Yoshimoto'. A spectator, scratches his head, and thinks to himself 'wrong hole?'

 

New Delayed Wiper Mod.
New HU Mod.
New Built in Cell Phone Mod.

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

Groaner Alert:


A man consulted his doctor about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for months.

"For discomfort as long as that," said the doctor, "I have a drastic remedy. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 30 inches long and I want you to swallow one inch a day and come back to see me in a month."

The man dutifully did as directed and returned to the doctor a month later.

"How do you feel?" the doctor asked.

"Well, doc," the man said, "The thong has ended but the malady lingers on."

** rim shot **

 

Sleeping with Jack


The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Jack, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Jack and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Jack snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man that Jack shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bob's turn.. Bob was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eye d and bushy-tail ed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jack into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Jack sat up and watched me all night.....