Joke of the Day

Guy comes home from work and asks his wife.
" Honey what would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She relied, "I'd take half and leave you."
"Well, I won $12 here's $6, now get the fuck out....."

 

hands

 

ha! nice

 

arms

 

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."[/FONT]

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like sh*t!" Then I would say, "It is sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"

"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."

 

I know this is mean, but I didnt write it, Still funny though.


Did you know??



That the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?



That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to

the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"?



And if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few

more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing,

resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking intruders

and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making,

camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass friends with you".



How weird is that?

 

Lmao definitely didn't know that. Way weird! Seems fitting given the original word

 

Finding a Chinese Jew

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

 

Hahahahaha!! I actually got banned for this exact joke. Seriously.

 

The Talking Feds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCOz-ShZwTs

 

Good way to feel stupid, But even dumber is someone who dont know what their looking at.​

The Shredder

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it." ​

"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in. ​

"Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy." ​

 

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. ​

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer. ​

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. ​

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. ​

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife. ​

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. ​

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend. ​

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do. ​

 

whats the difference between like, love and showing off?





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spit, swallow, and gargle.