Joke of the Day

old man walks into the doctors office walks up to the window and tells the nurse "There's something wrong with my pecker!!" The nurse, stunned to hear such talk, turns and says "Sir, there are women and children in the waiting room, you can't be talking like that! Make something up and then when you get to the doctor tell him the real problem." So embarassed, the old man walks out side paces around a few minutes then goes back into the office. The nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?" The old man says "There is something wrong with my ear." The nurse, very pleased with the answer says "Much better! Now what seems to be the problem with your ear?" The Old man replies "I can't piss through it!"

 

Whats the Difference between A wife and a girlfriend.




50 pounds.

 

lol ^

 

The Rabbit Test

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. ​

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. ​

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. ​

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" ​

 

ahaha!

 

I can't rep you twice but if I could I would!

 

A man says to the doctor "I can't feel my legs!". The doctor says, "Of course not, I've cut off your arms."

Budda-bing!!

 

Subject: scuba diver



An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
foockin’ boat."

 

lol

 

Letter Sent By College Student To His Dad
Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is
a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

 

Computer:Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he's pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: *sighs* Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you're there.

Printer: NO! I'm not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Jesus. OK look, you really ne...

Mouse: Sir, he's clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don't want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I'm turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you can't turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we'll leave you alone.

Printer: NO! That's what you always say! I hate you! I'm out of ink!

Computer: You're not out of in...

Printer: I'M OUT OF INK!

Computer: *Sighs* Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen...

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! He's hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, he'll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: He's pressing everything. Oh god, I don't know, he's just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you've done?!

Printer: HA! that's what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he...hey...HEY! He's trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He's torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.

 

Funny

The Black Bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman) ​

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. ​

Here's how it all went. ​

My engaged friend: ​

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. ​

The mistress: ​

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. ​

Then I had to share my story: ​

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, ​

"What's for dinner, Zorro?" ​

 

Locker Room

A group of guys are in a locker room, when a cell phone rings. One of them picks it up. ​

Man: " Hello " ​

Woman: " Honey it's me. Are you at the club ? " ​

Man: " Yes " ​

Woman: " Well, I have news. The house we wanted is back on the market. They are asking $950,000." ​

Man: " Well then, go ahead and make an offer, but make it $1.2 million so we'll be sure to get it." ​

Woman: " Okay, I'll see you later. I love you ! " ​

Man : " Bye, I love you too. " ​

The man hangs up. Then he asks, " Anyone know who's phone this is ? " ​

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.​

 

Try this on honey!


A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
"So, how do you like it?" she says.

"Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

 

2 gay guys are walking down the street and pass a funeral home.

one says to the other " hey, do you want to go in an suck down some cold ones"

 

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in n heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .

Today you voted."

 

Two Great White sharks were swimming in the ocean when they detected the presence of a sinking boat with people splashing in the water. They swam over
to investigate and confirmed their suspicions.

The older shark told the younger one to swim around the survivors at first with
just the tip of their dorsal fin showing. Then they would swim around the
survivors with their dorsal fin showing and their tail fin showing.


After doing this several times, the sharks moved in and ate all the survivors.

As they were swimming away, gorged from their feeding, the younger shark asked
the older one, "Why did we swim around the survivors first instead of just
eating them straight away?"

The older shark replied, "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them
first."

 

Man get's pulled over for speeding on his way to work one morning. Cop asks where he was going in such a hurry. The man states that he is late for work and has a very high profile job. Cop said no way what do you do that is so important? The man explains that he is in fact a rectum stretcher. Cop says bullshit! What the hell is that? So the man explains that in the morning they are given a normal size rectum and they work and stretch and work and stretch until the rectum is nearly 6' foot in diameter! Cop says "BULLSHIT!! what the hell do you do with a 6' asshole?" The man said "Well we sell them to the state and they give him a badge and a radar gun and stick him in a cop car!"