Joke of the Day

No, no, no. That's the wrong twist on an old joke: Why doesn't Texas fall into the Gulf? Because OK sucks.

Prevailing winds are off the Gulf towards OK. C'mon people. There needs to be some element of truth before a joke is funny.

 

So OK smells like shit because it's blowing up from Texas?

Now the whole "head south...." joke makes sense. Thanks for clearing that up for me!

 

So the gulf is windy because Texas sucks and Oklahoma is windy because Texas blows. Got it.

 

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy S--t, That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. Hesmashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that folks............is how the fight started.

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

 

What do you call a lesbian with large hands??



well hung

 

Knife.

 

"Its no coincidence that of all the 48 contiguous United States, Oklahoma was the one we shunted the Indians into. Here was a land so foul, useless and disgusting that it was fit only for savages. I would hate the white man too if I had to live in that shithole. Oklahoma was the scene of the last great land rush in the U.S. at the end of the 19th century. Meaning that we only bothered to stop and settle in Oklahoma after every decent place in the country had been filled up." -Luke Tully

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went Into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

The 1st Affair:

A married man was ha ving an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy..

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you
been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'



The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private
part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't
allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it
home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to
his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'



The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a
statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied 'The Smith's bought one and I
liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that
for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned
thing.'



The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy
steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this
place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'



The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must
confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the
poison work.'

 

Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?

-Because they are ugly and they smell bad.


How do you tell if there is a gay guy in the girls locker room?

-It's not hard.

What's the first thing a blond does when she wakes up in the morning?

-She goes home.

 

What's the difference between a ford and a bucket of crap?

-the bucket!

 

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter topand no bra.

What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.

Most old timers are helpful like that.

 

Sign in an Indiana store front window read:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN
WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

Answer:
OWEN'S FUNERAL HOME

(Yes, this is a true story.)

 

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this
parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and
answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .'
'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since
you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You
can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak
English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy
me. I'd be a great companion.'
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't
afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get
me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!'
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the man.
'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what
happened?'
'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over....'
Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Dam*ed if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

 

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: Sh*t ....

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!"
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

Why do birds fly upside down in Oklahoma??

Because there is nothing worth shi**ing on!


What's the best thing to ever come out of Oklahoma?

Southbound 35

 

"George goes to work on monday with a black eye.The guys ask George what happened?George says,well I went to the races saturday and when we all stood for the national anthen I noticed the dress of the woman in front of me caught in her crack,so I reached over and pulled it out and she turned around nailed me!
So the next week George comes to work with his other eye black.The guys ask ok what happened this time.Well I went to the races again,and that same woman was in front of me.And sure enough we stood up and her dress was caught in her crack again.One of his buddys says don't tell me you were stupid enough to pull it out again.George says,Im alot smarter than that.What happened was the guy next to me did and I said no she don't like it that way,and I tucked it back in!!

 

love it its so funny