Joke of the Day

What's the difference between 'ooh' and 'ahh'....



About 3 inches

 

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!!

17. I keep certain people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

 

After every flight, United Postal Service pilots fill out a form, called a'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.



The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight..Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.



Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P)and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search



P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to 'straighten up, fly right and be serious'.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

little known fact...
The testicular guard "cup" was first used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important .

 

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice..
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

Lesson 1:
> >>
> >> A man is getting into the
> >> shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> >> shower, when the doorbell rings.
> >> The wife quickly wraps
> >> herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
> >> When she opens the door,
> >> there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
> >> Before she says a word,
> >> Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
> >> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands
> >> naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob
> >> hands her $800 and leaves.
> >> The woman wraps back up
> >> in the towel and goes back upstairs.
> >> When she gets to the
> >> bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
> >> 'It was Bob the next door
> >> neighbour,' she
> >> replies.
> >> 'Great,' the husband
> >> says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
> >>
> >> Moral of the
> >> story:
> >> If you share critical
> >> information pertaining to credit and risk with
> >> your shareholders in time, you may be in a
> >> position to prevent avoidable
> >> exposure.

> >>
> >> Lesson 2:
> >>
> >> A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
> >> her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
> >> The priest nearly had an accident.
> >> After controlling the
> >> car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
> >> The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
> >> The priest removed his
> >> hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
> >> up her leg again.
> >> The nun once again said,
> >> 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
> >> The priest apologized
> >> 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
> >> Arriving at the convent,
> >> the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
> >> On his arrival at the
> >> church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
> >> It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you
> >> will find glory.'
> >>
> >> Moral of the story:
> >>
> >> If you are not well
> >> informed in your job, you might miss a great
> >> opportunity.
> >>
> >> Lesson 3:
> >>
> >> A sales rep, an
> >> administration clerk, and the manager are
> >> walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
> >> They rub it and a Genie comes out.
> >> The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
> >> 'Me first! Me first!'
> >> says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
> >> Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in
> >> the world.' Puff! She's gone.
> >>
> >> 'Me next! Me next!' says
> >> the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
> >> relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
> >> an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love
> >> of my life.' Puff! He's gone.
> >>
> >> 'OK, you're up,' the
> >> Genie says to the manager.
> >> The manager says, 'I want
> >> those two back in the office after lunch.'
> >> Moral of the story:
> >> Always let your boss have the first say.
> >>
> >> Lesson 4
> >>
> >> An eagle was sitting on a
> >> tree resting, doing nothing.
> >> A small rabbit saw the
> >> eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
> >> and do nothing?'
> >> The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
> >> So, the rabbit
> >> sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
> >> All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
> >> rabbit and ate it.
> >>
> >> Moral of the story:
> >> To be sitting and doing
> >> nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
> >>
> >> Lesson 5
> >>
> >> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
> >>
> >> 'I would love to be able
> >> to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
> >> turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
> >>
> >> 'Well, why don't you
> >> nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
> >> bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
> >>
> >> The turkey pecked at a
> >> lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
> >> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of
> >> the tree.
> >>
> >> The next day, after
> >> eating some more dung, he reached the second
> >> branch.
> >>
> >> Finally after a fourth
> >> night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
> >> of the tree.
> >>
> >> He was promptly spotted
> >> by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
> >>
> >> Moral of the story:
> >>
> >> Bull Shit might get you
> >> to the top, but it won't keep you there..
> >>
> >> Lesson 6

> >> A little bird was flying
> >> south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
> >> froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
> >>
> >> While he was
> >> lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung
> >> on him.
> >>
> >> As the frozen bird lay
> >> there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
> >> realize how warm he was.
> >>
> >> The dung was actually thawing him out!
> >>
> >> He lay there all warm and
> >> happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
> >>
> >> A passing cat heard the
> >> bird singing and came to investigate.
> >>
> >> Following the sound, the
> >> cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
> >> dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
> >>
> >> Morals of the story:
> >>
> >> (1) Not everyone who
> >> shits on you is your enemy.
> >>
> >> (2) Not everyone who gets
> >> you out of shit is yourfriend.
> >>
> >> (3) And when you're in
> >> deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE
> >> MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

Red neck Pick up Lines

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

 

Subject: Firegirl

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
station, when he noticed a little girl nearby
in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The
wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl
had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then
I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

OH! HELL!!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal …along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A.A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q.Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States

 

Q. What's the last thing you hear before a New Englander goes into the ditch?
A. Here, hold my beer and watch this.

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching
a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic
style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if
you were my son.'

 

I'd just come out of a supermarket with a bucket of fried chicken, french fries, ice cream, large chips, and a 12-pack of beer.



A homeless man sat there and said: I've not eaten for two days."



I told him: "I wish I had your will power."

 

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. 'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

 

A U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told him, 'I need to inspect your farm.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over yonder.'

The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.



Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...


'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'

 

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?

But...

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.* *

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

 

this has gotten so long Im not gonna check if its a repost so sorry if it is


A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION




The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.



And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'



And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'







'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'



And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.



I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.



So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.



Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.



I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.



I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'



The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,




















'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

Something to offend everyone!![FONT=&quot]

· I’m living next door to a lebanese couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while the kettle boils!

· Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its fucking hilarious.

· I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It’s not yours is it?

· I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

· Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. I’m fuckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black.
If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

· There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

· I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Mexicans and black rapists is not the correct answer.[/FONT]

 

why do prostitutes make more money than crack dealers?





cause they can wash out their crack and sell it again.

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...


'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions