Joke of the Day

Cant help but laugh at this one​

Breeding Bulls

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: ​

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ​

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week". ​

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: ​

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR ​

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him". ​

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: ​

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR ​

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one". ​

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow". ​

 

Funny​

Arrogance is Equal to Stupidity

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.' ​

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' ​

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.' ​

So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. ​

He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step. ​

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him your card!! ​

 

Italian tires are some of the best around dago through sand, dago through snow, dago through rain but when dago flat dago wop wop wop wop

 

^Bwa hahahaha!

And I can laugh at that cause I am Italian.

 

I like # 15​

No More Shopping at Target

My wife can be a little demanding at times. For example, she insists that I accompany her when she wants to do some shopping at Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping to be more than a little boring and I prefer to get in and get the stuff I want and go. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and look at everything. Well, yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store. ​

Dear Mrs............, ​

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. ​

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. ​

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. ​

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom. ​

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. ​

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. ​

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. ​

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. ​

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called. ​

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. ​

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. ​

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. ​

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels. ​

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!" ​

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" ​

And last, but not least: ​

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here". One of the clerks passed out. ​

 

5 is the best

I work at a department store and I've had people put socks on layaway, along with a crib but still, whats the point?

 

i was just gonna post this joke!

 

Those are from the 333 ways to get kicked out of Wal Mart I think.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/none/333-ways-to-get-kicked-out-of-wal-mart-233838/

 

read those on 101 ways to get kicked outta walmart. still funny

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense" The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

^took me a bit to get that one.

 

I think I've seen this one somewhere before, but still funny.​

Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. ​

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. ​

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. ​

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. ​

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." ​

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. ​

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." ​

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." ​

 

Whats the difference between a girl and a refrigerator,






The refrigerator doesnt fart when you take the meat out

 

you are gross

 

That actually had me going pretty good. Nicely done.

 

Pearly Gates

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. ​

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" ​

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." ​

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. ​

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." ​

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter." ​

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true. ​

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" ​

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." ​

 

that's awesome