Joke of the Day

touche little canadian, touche

i don't get offended, PM it to me

i'm pretty sure that alot of that is false. i know bonobo monkeys have sex for multiple social reasons, including pleasure.

 

Two vampire bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?" The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you." After a while the second bat leads them to a cave. He says,
"You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."

 

A woman walks up to the register at a grocery store with some milk, eggs and a carton of milk. As she unloads her items a man standing
behind her in line looks at the items and
states with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman looks at the items, and seeing nothing
unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on Earth did... you
know?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."

 

Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen

 

Jesse Jackson and Mike Tyson are standing in line in the Vatican to meet the Pope. Jesse Jackson is waiting quietly and Mike Tyson is eating peanuts, tossing the shells down onto the floor. Jesse Jackson turns to Mike Tyson and says "You know, you're the type of person who gives black people a bad name. You're a rapist and an idiot and here you are in the Vatican waiting to meet the Pope and you are eating peanuts and toss the shells on the ground." Mike Tyson shrugs and keeps on eating the peanuts and tossing the shells on the ground. Jesse Jackson gets a phone call and steps to the side to take it, and as he does Mike Tyson goes up to meet the Pope and the Pope does the sign of the cross to him and Mike Tyson walks off. Jesse Jackson, pissed that he missed his chance to meet the Pope, goes up to Mike Tyson and says "I can't believe the Pope actually blessed you." Mike Tyson replied "He didn't... He pointed to me and said "You," then pointed to the ground and said "Pick up those peanut shells," then pointed to you and said "get that other fucker," and then pointed to the door and said "and get the fuck out of here."

 

Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton came to a 1st Grade classroom to sit in and help out. During the vocabulary lesson of the day, Jesse Jackson addressed the class, asking if anyone could give him an example of a great tragedy.
Little Amy raises her hand and responds “If Pa loses control of the tractor and it runs into the coop and kills the animals”. Jesse said, sorry, that would be an accident, although unfortunate, it is not a tragedy, anyone else?
Little Johnny makes an attempt and says “If a school bus full of kids runs off the road and there are no survivors”.
Al steps in and says, “No, that would be a great loss. Although very sad, it is still not a tragedy. Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Little Billy then blurts out “If a plane carrying Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton is shot out of the sky by a rocket”.
Jesse Jackson gets excited, “yes! And why is that a tragedy?”
“Because it wouldn’t be a great loss and most likely wouldn’t be an accident either…”

 

Funny Stuff

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS



1. A man comes into the ER and yells . ... ..'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco



2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf

female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. .. . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . ...replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA



3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had

died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed

me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch.... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ... ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking

up on a man I asked . . ...' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good

except for the Kentucky Jelly... I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly..'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit



7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled

into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

entered . . ..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating

table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. ....' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name



AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .



8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...

To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing

and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ... ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . .

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name...

 

[SIZE=+1]This Exam Is FINAL[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]They had a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Mississippi until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"Cool ," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points). Which tire? [/SIZE]
​

 

not sure if this is really a joke but oh well.

 

I laughed at that but I'm not sure if I should have. Oh well its not the worst thing I have ever laughed at.

 

This probably wouldnt have been as funny before my first divorce, but it is now.​

A Few Drinks

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. ​

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" ​

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." ​

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?" ​

 

Practice at the Cowboys Stadium was delayed 2 hours this morning after a player found a white powdery substance on the ground. Practice was suspended while police and Homeland Security investigated. After analysis, experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact the goal line. Practice will resume this afternoon since the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again

 

That is epic....

 

For all you former Dallas Cowboys fans....
* *The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading
into Dallas.
* *For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets.
* *If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


* *Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
* *A..The Dallas Cowboys
* *
* *Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
* *A. They both can make 100,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus
Christ".
* *
* *Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
* *A. Put up a goal post.
* *
* *
* *Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
* *A. Old
* *
* *Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar
bill?
* *A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
* * *
* *
* *Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
* *A. Nobody remembers. *
* *
* *Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
* *A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

 

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

 

hahahahahahaha

 

[FONT=&quot] Dallas, TX (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a
Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling
over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten
by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be
maintained to the highest degree reasonably possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat
him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried
and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the
child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas
Cowboys football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.[/FONT]