Joke of the Day

LOL nice.

 

The 20 Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated to "way to miss an easy one, dumb ass."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

 

^8 and 13 are definitely fact

 

HA! HA!​

Welfare Job

Do you know someone like this? ​

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the Desk sits down and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job". ​

The social worker behind the desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur -bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year." ​

The guy says, "You're bullsh*tting me!" ​

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." ​

 

good one John

 

Lol

 

Subject: Capitalizations and texting ... important rule to follow!

I have noticed that many, who text messages and email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization. Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the following statement below.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

New crackbook message. I'm stealing it.

Repped.

 

Why is Santa such a jolly fellow?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

 

Two Minnesotans are sittin' in a boat.

So Ole asks Sven, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off der boats?"

To which Sven replies, "Vell, you know, if they fell forwards they'd still be in 'da fuckin' boat!"

 

What does Cinderella do when she gets to the ball?


Gag.

 

Wow, that's pretty bad... I almost spit my coffee up on my computer screen, I wasn't expecting that at all, haha.

 

President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'


The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blond with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blond with big tits?

Why kill a blond with big tits?'






Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.





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What do Grandmothers taste like?


...depends

baha

 

Joe went out and got a new job selling toothbrushes, so the first day at work he only sells 7 toothbrushes, he tells his boss Rick and Rick tells him "its ok its your first day." So the next day he does a little better but still only selling 12 toothbrushes, so he tells Rick and he says "well you've got to do a little better than that." The next day the same thing he only sells 10 toothbrushes, Rick is furious. So Joe thinks up a great plan, the next day he sells 146 toothbrushes! He quickly reports to Rick telling him the great day he had. Rick is astonished, he says "Joe, how did you sell so many toothbrushes?" He replies "Well I went to the airport, set up a booth with free chips and dip, when people would come along I would say here have some free chips and dip." Then he said "They would say hey this dip tastes like horse shit". He replies it is horse shit wanna buy a toothbrush?


My old man told me this one, much better in person.

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."