Joke of the Day

Lol

 

LOL

 

HOW DO YOU GET A ONE ARMED HIPPIE OUT OF A TREE?- PASS HIM A JOINT.

 

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

 

What does a gay horse eat?


Hayyyyy!

 

Guy walks into a bar, looking rather dejected, sits down at the end and can't help but exclaim "You know what, all lawyers are a$$holes!". Another guy at the other end of the bar looks up and says "Hey! I take personal offence to that!"
First guy then says "What? Are you a lawyer"

Other guy says "No man, I'm an a$$hole"

 

When a mexican runs into a wall, what hits first?


His Lawnmower






Why doesnt Mexico have an olympic team?



Because they already ran, jumped and swam across the border




What do the Dallas cowboys and a dollar bill have in common?




You can still get 4 quarters out of a dollar

 

Since there has been a bunch of threads dealing with fuel economy lately,,,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The person who calculated this bit of information has been
> a professor
> at The University of West Virginia in Morgantown, West
> Virginia for
> the last forty some years.
>
> A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses
> 800 gallons
> of gas a year.
> A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses
> 480 gallons
> of gas a year.
> So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce
> gasoline
> consumption by 320 gallons per year.
> The government claims 700,000 clunkers have been replaced
> so that’s
> 224 million gallons saved per year.
> That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil. 5
> million
> barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption.
> More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per
> barrel costs
> about $350 million dollars.
> So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to
> save $350 million.
> We spent $8.57 for every $1.00 we saved.
>
> I’m pretty sure they will do a better job with our
> health care, though.

 

love it, puttin on facebook...

 

A man was walking through a German forest when he saw this deep cave, so he decided to go exploring. He walked in a ways and saw a flickering light far ahead so he walked to it.

He was surprised to find an old man with a large stack of music scores in front of him. The old man was rubbing the notes off of the paper and laying the blank sheets aside.

The walker was astonished when he saw who he thought the man was. It seemed to be Mozart! He asked, "Are you Mozart?"

"Yes", the old man replied.

"Would that be Wolfgang Mozart?"

Again the reply was, "Yes."

"Well, you've been dead for centuries. What are doing rubbing notes off of music?"

[Ready for this ... ???]


The old man Mozart looked up and said, "I'm decomposing!"

 

LOL. Perfect! That's such a me joke. Just sent it to all my friends.

 

MY YEARLY EXAM
>
> I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
> The nurse started with certain basics.
>
> "How much do you weigh?" she asked.
> "135," I said.
> The nurse put me on the scale.
>
> It turns out my weight is 180.
>
> The nurse asked, "Your height?"
> "5 foot 7," I said.
> The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 5"
>
> She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
>
> "Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
> was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
>
> She put me on Prozac.
>
> What a bitch.

 

^^^

 

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly
squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says.
"I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch
before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.​

 

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Alongside him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It's now 4 pm and they still haven't responded.[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]

[/FONT]I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...