Joke of the Day

A guy went through a seriously rough divorce. Lost everything he had except for a beat up old wooden rowboat.

He gets really depressed and decides he's gonna get in his rowboat and head out into the ocean, just disappear.

He floats for a few days, when a strong storm starts up. After a few hours of riding huge waves, he finds himself on the beach of a tiny deserted island.

Walking along the beach, he sees something shiny sticking out of the sand. Goes over and picks it up, it's an old style lamp made of solid gold.

He thinks to himself "Wow this is nice, I should polish it up, go back and sell it, then I could start over!". So he takes to rubbing on it.

A genie pops out. The genie stretches, yawns and says "I was having the best rest of my life, and you interrupted me!". "But since rules are rules, you get three wishes". "Only one condition, since you woke me from such a good rest and I'm not happy about it, whatever you get, your ex wife gets twice as much".

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "OK, first wish, I want a million dollars in a Swiss bank account".

*POOF* "You have a million dollars in a Swiss bank account". "But your ex wife has TWO million dollars in a Swiss bank account".

Guy says "OK, second wish, I want a one hundred room mansion, paid for and mine alone".

*POOF* "You have a one hundred room mansion, paid for and yours alone". "But your ex wife has a TWO HUNDRED room mansion, paid for and hers alone".

Guy says "No problem. Now, for my third wish...see that big stick over there?" "I want you to take it and beat me half to death...".

 

Cheney enters Oval Office, approaches George W...
Cheney: Sir, we've just received a new report from the gulf.
George W: What is it?
Cheney: Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in intense fighting today.
George W: (hangs head in despair) We have got to do something about this!
Cheney: We will sir.
George W: Dick, how many is a Brazilian?

 

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama....

The experienced diplomat in Russian affairs, Sarah Palin is said to be headed to Birmingham to assist in this effort.

 

One day a little boy walked into the family room and saw his dad drinking a beer. The little boy was curious, and asked his dad if he could have sip.
The dad quickly replied, "well son, can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy said "no." The father replied, "Well sorry son, youll have to wait till your older when it can."

The next day the little boy was playing outside and saw his dad smoking a cigarette. The little boy was curious and asked his dad if he could have a puff. The dad replied once again, "well son, can your dick touch your ass yet?" The little boy said "no." The father replied, "Well sorry son, youll have to wait till your older when it can."

Well, later that day, the father walks into the kitchen and sees the little boy eating cookies. The father asks the little boy if he could have one. The little boy then replies, "Well dad, can your dick touch your ass?" The dad says, "why yes son, it can." The little boy responds, "Well go FUCK yourself because mom made the cookies for me!"

 

Lol!

 

here's one more.....


A man was fishing.

He began his outing with a 12lb walleye on the first trolling pass and a 25 lb northern on the second. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever musky when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more passes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best day's fishing by far. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the lake, your wife has been languishing in the ICU!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwing with you.

She's dead. What'd you catch?
__________________

 

Ok last one.....this one's good....



GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France . Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia , lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia , very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia , with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.


After 70, they become Afghanistan . Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
_________________

 

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it.

And how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet . If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
Forever!

And you could never win. The gam! e just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire... Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing And shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

 

^^ So true! ^^

 

Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros
and
Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good
advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next
expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG
bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.
Grace
Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge
and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

I figured we all needed a laugh with all that is going on these days.

 

Have a great weekend everyone!

(Oldie but goodie)


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied
"He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

If you had purchased $1000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 worth of shares in AIG one year ago you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago you would have $0.00 today. But if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund you would have received $214.00. Based on the above the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
​

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!


Makes you proud to be an American!

​

 

Got this email a couple weeks ago. Kinda long but funny


For those of you that have delicate stomachs or love Texas!

Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

A frail 100 year old lady was at her birthday party. Her head would slump a little and she would start to lean to the left. Her grandson would quickly help her back up straight. She starting leaning to the right and once again her grandson would pick her back up straight in her chair.

Finally he leaned over and asked her how she was enjoying her party. She said she would like it a lot better if he would let her fart!

 

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

 

THE 2000 FEDERAL CENSUS FOR THE SOUTH



Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse's Name:______________________

3rd Spouse's Name:______________________

Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name: _______________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red Man
(_)Yankee Girl
(_)Beechnut

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

 

Good one
This is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona





1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.



WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
...bet you read it a second time.

 

That is a very good one! I got that one emailed to me a while back.

 

1. You can properly pronounce Chickamauga, DeKalb,
Dahlonega, and Smyrna.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in
their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in
the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is
not determined by the distance to the door, but by the
availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have
sacks and buggies.

6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at weddings
and funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an
accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes.

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like
going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking
out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to
plan their wedding date

13. You know someone who has a belt buckle bigger than
your fist.

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy
Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch
dressing.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned
how to multiply.

18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixing'" to
send them to your friends.

19. You wanna go back to Georgia, where everything is
normal

And finally:

20. You are 100% Georgian if you have ever had this
conversation:

"You wanna coke?"

"Yeah."

"What kind?"

"Dr Pepper"

 

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff........And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect